Interview with a Recovered Alcoholic

By trade, I am a writer. I write fiction, to be more precise. Because of this, I'm a constant researcher, always looking for ways to understand what's going on in the world and why. When I had the idea to interview John*, my husband's step-study leader, I had two purposes. One was to get firsthand feedback from an alcoholic in order to better flesh out a character idea. The second was because I want to understand addicts. As the wife of a porn addict, I've never really understood what makes an addict tick, thus never understanding what drove my husband to do the things he did. To me, ignorance is not bliss, but rather getting to the bottom of an addict's addiction helps me see that our experiences are not isolated incidences. Most, if not all, addicts share similar roots. Here are just a few that John revealed to me during out interview.

• Addicts remember their first experience -- With John, it was when he was thirteen-years-old and went to a party at his friend's brother's house. He downed two Budweiser tall boys and got thoroughly wasted. In that experience, there was no moment of regret, no wishing he hadn't drank a beer. Nor did he seek out alcohol. But when the opportunity arose, every time, he took advantage of it. My husband remembers his first experience like it was yesterday. His father gave him "the sex talk" and a dirty magazine to go along with it.
• Moment of clarity -- When an addict is committed to recovery, he/she will experience what some refer to as the moment of clarity. It's when they finally see that the pain is outweighing the pleasure. It's hitting rock bottom. It's finally seeing all the damage an addict has left in his/her wake. For John, that moment of clarity came through after his second DWI. He was three times over the legal limit and sent to rehab, where he finally had to detoxify his system. My husband's moment of clarity came when he attended a men's conference at a local church. He'd been in recovery for a couple of months, but when the pastor leading his small group pointed out the issues facing men today, he saw not only that he wasn't the only one, but that the change in his life had to be real and with Christ's help.
• The Fog -- When addicts are in the depths of their addictions this is when they are immersed in The Fog. An addict can't see that the addiction is real. They create a false sense of reality and in this false sense of reality the lying takes center stage. They learn to cover up the addiction and hide it as much as possible. If someone in the addict's life says he/she is an addict and they need to go to recovery, then unless that addict is really wanting it (i.e. meaning the fog has lifted and clarity comes through) the rehab or recovery will never pan out. The addict has to want recovery for himself.
• Every addict has an addiction that they prefer -- John said he'd done more than drink (at the peak of his addiction he would put away fifteen or more full-sized hard liquor drinks a day, then tie a few extra on at night). He had his days with cocaine and meth, but he said if you lined up all the abusive substances he'd ever consumed, he would choose the glass of liquor every time. Same goes for my husband.
• Relapse gets more painful with each one -- Relapses happen, but according to John, the further down the road an addict is toward recovery the worse each relapse gets. After seven years of never touching a drink, John slowly lost his grasp on recovery. He thought he didn't need the groups or meetings and that he could do this thing on his own. That's when he took a drink. And as he described it, it was wonderful. It was the high he missed more than anything, but it eventually sent his house of cards tumbling to the ground. The Fog descended once more. When his wife found his bottle of liquor hidden in one of his suitcases, he was kicked out. It hurt him to hurt her, but he knew that he was the one who had to get his life back on the right track.
• Recovery groups work and are imperative in the recipe for recovery -- Pain has to exceed pleasure, John says. The steps (step studies) in recovery coupled with his relationship with God is what has kept him eight years sober. He says that step studies are an absolute need for any addict wanting to shed his/her addiction. But once in a recovery group, always in a recovery group. John knows that he could never leave. He can't go at this thing alone, no addict can, but now that he's found a place in his life where God is in control, he's going to stay there.
• Never want to repeat the past -- Although John calls himself a grateful alcoholic (meaning what's happened in his life had a purpose -- for the past eight years he and his wife, who is also a recovered alcoholic, have run one of the largest recovery groups in my city of residence) he would never want to repeat his past. There's just to much pain in all of that.

I don't know what kind of addiction your spouse might be recovering from, but what do you think about John's insight? Does it help you better understand the addict in your life?

*Names have been changed in order to protect the identity of the individuals.

Don't Send Me Flowers

If you messed up said the sign on a local flower shop. Underneath those words was a small pot of flowers.

If you messed up a lot said the sign next to it. Underneath was a lovely arrangement of roses, tulips, baby's breath, etc.

"Man, but if that isn't a crock," my husband said one night when he got home from work after seeing those signs in the window. "I know to never, never give you flowers when I've messed up."

What he's referring to happened almost a year ago in January. I discovered what he'd been looking at, and just like every other time, I felt like somebody had hit me with a two-by-four. I didn't talk to him for days. I harbored so much anger (because I'm one of those who lets it build and build inside me until I'm about to emotionally burst) toward him and wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. Of course, like most men seem to believe, flowers should heal my aching heart.

Very big mistake.

When those flowers arrived, I wasn't at home. I never called the florist back and they ended up delivering the arrangement to my neighbor's house. (Who, of course, had a barrage of annoying questions about why he'd sent them to me. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's nosy neighbors!)

The card was signed with profuse words begging my forgiveness. I scratched out what he'd written and wrote my own message -- "These aren't for me. They're to help make you feel better!"

When he came home and saw what I'd written, I knew I'd hit him where it hurts. He took that vase of flowers and made his way to the front door.

"What do you think you're doing with those?" I asked.

"What does it matter. They're mine." He went outside and the next thing I heard was glass shattering against the driveway. He'd taken that vase of flowers and had thrown them against the pavement. What followed was the most heart wrenching argument I've ever had with him. I bawled like I never had in the past.

But what followed the next day was the first real steps toward healing (because we'd been through this before). For both of us. Is he fully "cured"? No, he never will be. He's what addicts call a "lifer." He will forever be in recovery, forever be learning to fill the bad with good, forever taking one day at a time. And for now, I've made the decision to stay with him. I made that decision, not him, even though he gave me the option to leave him.

But he knows to never send me flowers for his screw-ups ever again.

Is there one thing your spouse has done in the past that only tells you he/she is feeling guilty for his/her wrongs and not really doing it for you?

What's Your Love Language?

I've been reading a book that I've read in the past, but have decided to revisit. It's entitled The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. In the book, Chapman describes how we all have a love tank, but each one of us has to have that tank filled in one of five ways and not all of us share the same love language.

These are the five love languages:

• Quality Time
• Words of Affirmation
• Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

I received this book about nine years ago as a gift and read it when my husband and I first got married. We learned that his primary love language is Words of Affirmation and that his secondary is Physical Touch (this does not necessarily mean sex). My primary love language is Quality Time and my secondary is Physical Touch. In order for our love tanks to be filled, we have to learn to speak each other's love languages.

Since this year has been a particularly rough year in our marriage, I decided to read the book again. And I'm glad I am. I needed a refresher course not only in my husband's love language, but in mine, as well. I think sometimes I don't know how to reach out to my husband and communicate what's bothering me, but a lot of that stems from my love tank being on empty. Sometimes I'm just functioning on fumes. And I know the same goes for him. Learning to communicate in our love languages helps us to understand when the other is feeling particularly low about what's going on in his or my life.

Do you know your love language? Do you know your spouse's, and if so, are you speaking it and filling up his/her love tank?