Moving Forward

My husband's sexual addiction has always been pornography. Just recently, I listened to him give his testimony for the first time, and although I've heard most of where his addiction stems from and what he did as he spiraled deeper and deeper into a hole, it still came as such a revelation to me. Here is a man, that ten years ago I had taken his hand in marriage and yet, we were such strangers in the beginning. When you marry young and aren't exposed to much addiction the way I was, then you have a hard time grasping what is going on in that person's mind. I'm glad I listened to his testimony. He took a large leap of faith by speaking before our Wed. young married group to people he barely knew (we are new to our church) and yet it felt like the most right thing in the world for him to do. He was scared of other church goers' judgement, but knew he had to take this step of faith and be obedient. We constantly say, "Don't be judgmental," but I have yet to meet someone who has never judged another in his/her life. We are human. It is what we do.

He walked away that night feeling he'd done what God had spoken to him to do, and I agreed. Two other women struggling with addiction spoke with him afterwards and he gave them some information on places they could go to in order to work on their addictions. What's interesting in this whole scenario is that not one man raised a hand, came forward, or spoke to my husband about struggling, and yet we know that many many men struggle with some form of sexual addiction. And there's a reason why this happened. Men most likely will not divulge this hidden secret unless finally caught. It's that simple. How heartbroken were you when you realized your spouse or significant other was hiding this ugly secret? And for so many years? Perhaps you were like me, living the Christian life and thinking everything was going along just fine, until BAM you look into his web browser history, notice an article of clothing that isn't yours, take a phone call on your husband's phone only to find it's a female voice you don't recognize, or happen to see emails from a questionable address.

The sickness in the pit of your stomach moves in and you know. You know things aren't right, nor will they ever be the same in your marriage or relationship again.

But you can move forward. You have to. Moving forward starts the healing process and that's what every unsuspecting victim needs. Healing.

Forgiveness

To many of us struggling to get through and understand another's addiction, forgiveness sounds like a dirty word. Here's the thing, though -- if we never forgive, then in the end the only person we're really hurting is ourselves.

At some point, we want to be loosed from our chains of unforgiveness, depression, hate, anger, and hurt. But how do we move beyond all those emotions roiling inside us? A few years back, I was in a very damaging auto accident. The psychiatrist who made the rounds and spoke with patients after traumatic experiences explained to me what I was feeling and experiencing. When our bodies incur trauma, we go through the same steps of grief that we would if we'd lost a loved one. At the time, I couldn't seem to wrap my head around that, but in retrospect, I see what he means. The same has happened when it comes to hitting the low of my husband's addiction.

Here are the Seven Stages of Grief:

1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Acceptance and Hope

Personally, I feel I'm somewhere between The Upward Turn and Acceptance and Hope. I've learned to forgive my husband for his actions, but still, I'm apprehensive as to how his recovery is holding up at times. It's hard for me as the spouse, because only he and God understand the inner workings of his mind. Right now, he's on a good path. But do I worry a little about the road ahead? Sure. And I'm sure you do too.

Looking at the Seven Stages of Grief, where would you say you are in your journey of healing and forgiveness?