Decisions, Decisions

The past two weeks have been difficult for our family. Things concerning my in-laws have finally come to a head. You see, there were some decisions made late last year involving a certain family member -- decisions that would ultimately adversely affect our small family on this side of the coin.

Sadly enough, my husband's hand has been forced to lay down an ultimatum. He can no longer emotionally or spiritually be connected to the poor decisions of other individuals and he finally made sure they knew, writing it all down in black and white. Beforehand, he'd been told that his opinion didn't matter, that the person who made this debilitating decision didn't care who they hurt in the process. They wanted it, and another individual was willing to pay to have it done.

I know I sound a bit cryptic, but let's just say that this other person's decision centers around his sexual addiction. And he's gone so far down that it's incredibly scary. But another family member was willing to say, "You want this, then I'll pay for it." And they keep paying for this individual's addiction. It's like buying crack for the drug addict, or supplying fresh bottles of alcohol for the alcoholic, simply because that's what he wants.

We've decided, as a family and especially since my husband is working through his own form of sexual addiction, that we can no longer be around these individuals. This decision doesn't come lightly; I've seen my husband's tears over this matter more times than I can count. He feels abandoned by his family. He feels that unless he falls for another's manipulative dealings, then he will live with nothing but guilt. Having been through a childhood filled with manipulation, I know exactly where he's coming from. It's just that one day you have to say, "Enough!" and move on with your life without that other individual. God does not call us to follow along in another's sin. He calls us to a life of integrity, much like he did Daniel. Even in the midst of all the turmoil in life, we have to remember that God is in control and that He wants to use us.

But we have to be willing. And sometimes being willing means stepping aside so that He can do the work in another. Letting go is one of the hardest decisions to make.

Are you facing a difficult decision right now, one that might affect more than just you? Do you think my husband has made the right decision in stepping away from his family?

The Scorpion

A couple of days ago, I found one. He's not my first, and he most certainly won't be my last.

I'm sorry, but just looking at that thing makes me
a little sick to my stomach!

Around where I live, scorpions are quite common. There are two types that live here, scaring the ever loving crap out of me from time to time, but only one kind seems to enjoy the coolness of our home. So far, this summer alone, I think we've come across at least six of them and every time they make me jump. Earlier this summer, I left a bathrobe on the floor, picked it up, went to wash my hands in the sink, and when I looked up into the mirror, I found one of these "beauties" sitting on my shoulder. Even the neighbors heard me scream that day!

Anyway, back to the last one I found.

He was sitting on the bathroom rug, just as cozy as could be. Luckily, it wasnt' a surprise attack, spotting him long before I could step on him (I've been stung twice and my husband once by these scorpions. Don't worry, unless you're allergic they're not any worse than a bee sting. But still...right?) I trapped him under a glass because, believe it or not, these little suckers are FAST! And very feisty. As soon as that glass went over him, he struck like crazy and totally scared the daylights out of me. I looooathe these things!

I called my husband.

"Slide some cardboard under the glass, flip it over, and dump him in the toilet," he told me.

Okay. I can do this. I told myself.

But every time I touched the glass he struck. I was getting a bit nauseated at that point. Finally, I slipped the cardboard as far as I could on the thick rug before it got stuck. I left the scorpion alone for a while to figure out if he thought the cardboard had a nicer feel than the rug.

I guess he thought it did.

When I came back, he was sitting on the cardboard. I held my breath, shoved the cardboard under, flipped the glass and tossed him into the toilet.

I have never seen a more frantic scorpion in all my life. That thing flailed like crazy because he knew he was drowning. My daughter joined me in the bathroom to watch the death at sea.

And you know what?

Watching that little, nasty creature flail like that made me actually feel sorry for him. Yes, sorry. He'd brought his nasty stinger into my life, because he couldn't do anything else with it. It's not really his fault people hate the sight of him (or the pain), and besides, he's just trying to survive in any cool place he can find. But I had a choice. Do I keep something potentially painful, something that's like a ticking time bomb in my life. It's not his fault he was burdened with a stinger. And was making him drown under the weight and pressure of knowing that people hate him really a nice thing for me to do? Or even...dare I say...loving?

For a scorpion, I say yes. Get rid of the little sucker before he causes you more pain.

But an addict . . .

Knowing when to walk away from a harmful relationship is one of the most painful decisions one must make. And only you know if it's right for you or not.

How much pain do we let control our lives? Eventually, none, but it's a long road getting there.

Too bad that pain isn't as brief as a scorpion's sting . . .

Interview with a Recovered Alcoholic

By trade, I am a writer. I write fiction, to be more precise. Because of this, I'm a constant researcher, always looking for ways to understand what's going on in the world and why. When I had the idea to interview John*, my husband's step-study leader, I had two purposes. One was to get firsthand feedback from an alcoholic in order to better flesh out a character idea. The second was because I want to understand addicts. As the wife of a porn addict, I've never really understood what makes an addict tick, thus never understanding what drove my husband to do the things he did. To me, ignorance is not bliss, but rather getting to the bottom of an addict's addiction helps me see that our experiences are not isolated incidences. Most, if not all, addicts share similar roots. Here are just a few that John revealed to me during out interview.

• Addicts remember their first experience -- With John, it was when he was thirteen-years-old and went to a party at his friend's brother's house. He downed two Budweiser tall boys and got thoroughly wasted. In that experience, there was no moment of regret, no wishing he hadn't drank a beer. Nor did he seek out alcohol. But when the opportunity arose, every time, he took advantage of it. My husband remembers his first experience like it was yesterday. His father gave him "the sex talk" and a dirty magazine to go along with it.
• Moment of clarity -- When an addict is committed to recovery, he/she will experience what some refer to as the moment of clarity. It's when they finally see that the pain is outweighing the pleasure. It's hitting rock bottom. It's finally seeing all the damage an addict has left in his/her wake. For John, that moment of clarity came through after his second DWI. He was three times over the legal limit and sent to rehab, where he finally had to detoxify his system. My husband's moment of clarity came when he attended a men's conference at a local church. He'd been in recovery for a couple of months, but when the pastor leading his small group pointed out the issues facing men today, he saw not only that he wasn't the only one, but that the change in his life had to be real and with Christ's help.
• The Fog -- When addicts are in the depths of their addictions this is when they are immersed in The Fog. An addict can't see that the addiction is real. They create a false sense of reality and in this false sense of reality the lying takes center stage. They learn to cover up the addiction and hide it as much as possible. If someone in the addict's life says he/she is an addict and they need to go to recovery, then unless that addict is really wanting it (i.e. meaning the fog has lifted and clarity comes through) the rehab or recovery will never pan out. The addict has to want recovery for himself.
• Every addict has an addiction that they prefer -- John said he'd done more than drink (at the peak of his addiction he would put away fifteen or more full-sized hard liquor drinks a day, then tie a few extra on at night). He had his days with cocaine and meth, but he said if you lined up all the abusive substances he'd ever consumed, he would choose the glass of liquor every time. Same goes for my husband.
• Relapse gets more painful with each one -- Relapses happen, but according to John, the further down the road an addict is toward recovery the worse each relapse gets. After seven years of never touching a drink, John slowly lost his grasp on recovery. He thought he didn't need the groups or meetings and that he could do this thing on his own. That's when he took a drink. And as he described it, it was wonderful. It was the high he missed more than anything, but it eventually sent his house of cards tumbling to the ground. The Fog descended once more. When his wife found his bottle of liquor hidden in one of his suitcases, he was kicked out. It hurt him to hurt her, but he knew that he was the one who had to get his life back on the right track.
• Recovery groups work and are imperative in the recipe for recovery -- Pain has to exceed pleasure, John says. The steps (step studies) in recovery coupled with his relationship with God is what has kept him eight years sober. He says that step studies are an absolute need for any addict wanting to shed his/her addiction. But once in a recovery group, always in a recovery group. John knows that he could never leave. He can't go at this thing alone, no addict can, but now that he's found a place in his life where God is in control, he's going to stay there.
• Never want to repeat the past -- Although John calls himself a grateful alcoholic (meaning what's happened in his life had a purpose -- for the past eight years he and his wife, who is also a recovered alcoholic, have run one of the largest recovery groups in my city of residence) he would never want to repeat his past. There's just to much pain in all of that.

I don't know what kind of addiction your spouse might be recovering from, but what do you think about John's insight? Does it help you better understand the addict in your life?

*Names have been changed in order to protect the identity of the individuals.

The Ten Percent

My husband is currently taking a men's Bible study course using Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker's book and workbook entitled Every Man's Battle. He's gone through the study once before a couple of years ago, but considering what we've been going through over this past year, I'm gonna guess that it didn't take.

Now, I'm sure many of you out there (especially those who are Christians) have heard of this series. Basically, it breaks down what ALL men go through when it comes to sexual impurity. This time around, I'm reading the book with my husband and it has offered me some insight. One section that caught my attention is where the authors discuss "The Ten Percent." From what I understand, this tends to be the standard norm among all addictions. Here's what it says in Every Man's Battle:

❝Another way of looking at the scope of the problem is to picture a bell curve. According to our experiences, we figure around 10 percent of men have no sexual-temptation problem with their eyes and their minds. At the other end of the curve, we figure there's another 10 percent of men who are sexual addicts and have a serious problem with lust. They've been so beaten and scarred by emotional events that they simply can't overcome that sin in their lives. They need more counseling and a transforming washing by the Word. The rest of us comprise the middle 80 percent, living in various shades of gray when it comes to sexual sin.❞ (Page 31)

I find this all very informative in a sterile, clinical sort of way, but I don't believe it. I believe more than 10 percent of men struggle with a stronger level of sexual addiction and not just "various shades of gray," otherwise, why would they be unable to shake this addiction on their own.

My husband does not frequent prostitutes or massage parlors, but he does have a very strong addiction to the images before him. He's tried to explain why he feels obsessed to look at those sexual images, but since I'm not an addict, I have a hard time understanding. I think, as a society, we need to look at addiction for what it is, and not continue to gloss over certain aspects of it by calling them "shades of gray." Those shades and shadows are very hard to shake, and sometimes the root of that addiction can be even harder to discover than the sexually scarred individual. Even after almost completing his twelve steps, all my husband can say is at the heart of his addiction is Lust and Obsession. But my question to him is, what in your past triggers the Lust and Obsession? He has no answer for that.

Do you believe in the statistics I quoted above? Do you believe it's only 10 percent of men who struggle with a deep sexual addiction, or should that number be higher?

When Does the Healing Begin?

I'm a pretty well-versed blogger, being the manager of two other moderately successful blogs, but this one is different for me. Like many other women out there, I have been left on the sidelines as my husband undergoes recovery for sexual addiction. It hurts like hell. I have no other way of explaining it. I'll start this thing off by directing you to another woman's post. Her description of what she was going through connected to me in a such a way that no other story has.

Please visit:  


http://www.awomanshealingjourney.com/jodis-blog/320-a-shattered-china-cup.html

If you are anything like me, then you understand how hard the healing process is.

So, my question for you is this -- When does the healing begin?