A New Challenge

I know I haven't been very consistent with the blogging here, but I'm going to try and play a little catch-up. Life has been pretty busy lately, with so much going on that my head hurts at times. I've had bits of good news (one of my other blogs won a state writing award!) and bits of challenging news (my daughter is going in for some educational testing). I spent a weekend researching in the city where my latest novel takes place (always fun, but it most certainly makes my brain work) and I've spent time planning an upcoming trip with my family.

In all of this swirl of activity, I decided to take on a new challenge, and I love a new challenge. Ever since my husband has been in recovery, I've been seeking out venues for women married to addicts. I've also been praying that the recovery group my husband attends would be interested in implementing a program for such women.

And lo and behold, my prayers were answered!

The leader of my husband's recovery program approached me with an idea and the study guides to go along with it. This small group will be for women like me -- those feeling left out in the cold when it comes to putting the pieces of a fractured relationship back together. I wasn't sure if there would be much interest, especially since my husband attends a smaller recovery group than some of the other ones in the area, but right off the bat there are four women who want to attend. Four women! When I thought I was the only one struggling to make sense of what is going on in my life!

I don't know if this program will take off and grow (I'll certainly be praying it will!), but I know that this is something I NEED and have needed for a long while. And it's obvious there are other women who need this group as well. This will be a place where it will be safe to express our heartache and how we're dealing with the rocky road, and often times slippery slope, of our spouse's (or family member's) addiction.

When I'm crying on the inside for someone to hear me, I always remember that God does, and many times he reveals to me the path I should take. This new group has become that path.

Don't Send Me Flowers

If you messed up said the sign on a local flower shop. Underneath those words was a small pot of flowers.

If you messed up a lot said the sign next to it. Underneath was a lovely arrangement of roses, tulips, baby's breath, etc.

"Man, but if that isn't a crock," my husband said one night when he got home from work after seeing those signs in the window. "I know to never, never give you flowers when I've messed up."

What he's referring to happened almost a year ago in January. I discovered what he'd been looking at, and just like every other time, I felt like somebody had hit me with a two-by-four. I didn't talk to him for days. I harbored so much anger (because I'm one of those who lets it build and build inside me until I'm about to emotionally burst) toward him and wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. Of course, like most men seem to believe, flowers should heal my aching heart.

Very big mistake.

When those flowers arrived, I wasn't at home. I never called the florist back and they ended up delivering the arrangement to my neighbor's house. (Who, of course, had a barrage of annoying questions about why he'd sent them to me. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's nosy neighbors!)

The card was signed with profuse words begging my forgiveness. I scratched out what he'd written and wrote my own message -- "These aren't for me. They're to help make you feel better!"

When he came home and saw what I'd written, I knew I'd hit him where it hurts. He took that vase of flowers and made his way to the front door.

"What do you think you're doing with those?" I asked.

"What does it matter. They're mine." He went outside and the next thing I heard was glass shattering against the driveway. He'd taken that vase of flowers and had thrown them against the pavement. What followed was the most heart wrenching argument I've ever had with him. I bawled like I never had in the past.

But what followed the next day was the first real steps toward healing (because we'd been through this before). For both of us. Is he fully "cured"? No, he never will be. He's what addicts call a "lifer." He will forever be in recovery, forever be learning to fill the bad with good, forever taking one day at a time. And for now, I've made the decision to stay with him. I made that decision, not him, even though he gave me the option to leave him.

But he knows to never send me flowers for his screw-ups ever again.

Is there one thing your spouse has done in the past that only tells you he/she is feeling guilty for his/her wrongs and not really doing it for you?