Digging a Grave and Losing a Friend

Last weekend my husband dug a grave, and no, it was not his own. My daughter's little gerbil had passed away sometime during the night and we had to have ourselves a funeral. It was her first pet, so we were all a little teary-eyed to say good-bye to little Chewy.

Yes, her name was Chewy.

Although cute, with pretty white fur, chewy was one of those pets that rarely got held. And it wasn't because we didn't have time to hold her. Three times she took a chunk out of my husband. After the third time, he said enough was enough, got himself a pair of leather gardening gloves, and we only took her out when we cleaned her cage each week.

It's sad, thinking back on the life of Chewy. My daughter got her because she wanted a little furry companion to play with but, unfortunately, Chewy just never really took to our family. She even bit a hole in the leather gloves at one point. She was aptly named even before whe knew much about her true nature.

I cried at her funeral, as my husband laid her in the hole we dug at the far end of the flower bed in the shade. My daughter then took the two bags of nuts that we used to feed her and dumped them over Chewy's tiny corpse. On top, she laid a picture she'd drawn of her gerbil and at the bottom she'd written "Chewy: 2010- 2012" (even though we bought her in 2009, but I didn't want to upset her even more).

We tried to have a good day that day, but we were all little blue to see Chewy go.

And I was blue for another good reason. My longtime friend and accountability partner moved out-of-state. I was so sad to see her go, because she's held me up during this last year. I couldn't have made it through if not for her gentle, patient ear listening to all I had to say concerning my husband's addiction and how it tore me in two. We'll keep in touch, but you know how it is -- it's that much harder when someone moves away.

Keep me in your prayers that I may find another close friend who will listen to me over a cup of tea.

A Blessing in Disguise

For the past two months, I've been leading a group for women who have addicted spouses. We are a small group -- there are only three of us -- but I am so fortunate to have these other two women in my life. They have literally become my blessing in disguise.

The atmosphere in our group is one of openness. We do the work each week, but when God places a particularly trying time on our hearts, we have the freedom to talk through it. And the others listen. I don't know about you, but I've needed someone to just simply listen to me for a long time. And not just saying what they want to hear -- sugar coating my circumstances -- but literally spilling my guts and feeling safe to do so.

My hope is that our group grows and that other women struggling through similar experiences will come and join us. This is my prayer for our small group.

So, my question for you is do you have a safe haven where you can speak what's on your heart and divulge your pain to a listening ear without someone trying to fix your situation for you? I hope so!

Accountability Partners — They're Not Just For Addicts

I think many of us, when it comes to the idea of an accountability partner, then we think those are for either addicts or people who have some real troubling issues they need to share. The fact of the matter is that we all need an accountability partner -- someone who is trustworthy and there to talk to and, most importantly, hold us accountable for out actions.

I've been involved in an eight week study where I'm learning to heal from the hurt I've been struggling through the past couple of years. What I've learned is that my pain from my husband's addiction isn't the only thing holding me back from moving on. I've also discovered I need to deal with pain from other past relationships, most of them dealing with family members and resentment or animosity I still hold towards them. And, so, I found out I really did need an accountability partner to spill my guts to and get all the hurt out of my system.

When looking for an accountability partner, here are the things I've learned*:

• Having an accountability partner is Biblical -- Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 tells us, "Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively. If one of them falls down, the other can help him up. But if someone is alone . . ., there is no one to help him . . . Two men can resist an attack that would defeat one man along." And Proverbs 27:17 tells us, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
• Does your accountability partner's walk match his/her talk? -- Many peoples' lifestyles fail to match up with what they profess to believe to be true. Be sure that the person you choose as an accountability partner is someone whose life example is worthy of imitation. No one wants someone who will only lead them astray.
• Does he/she express the desire to help others on the road to healing? -- There is a difference between helping others and trying to fix others. We all need to be careful to guard this relationship from becoming unhealthy and codependent.
• Does he/she show compassion, care, and hope but not pity? -- You don't need someone to feel sorry for you, but you do need someone to be sensitive to your pain.
• Is he/she a good listener? -- Does your accountability partner honestly care about what you have to say?
• Does he/she offer suggestions? -- Of course, they're not supposed to fix us, but does this person offer help in seeing options or alternatives that we are unable to find on our own?
• Can he/she share his/her current struggles with others? -- Your accountability partner should be able to open up and be vulnerable in return.

In the end, what you need is someone who will encourage you to heal. You don't want to tell the world your problems, but you do need that one other person willing to listen to all you have to say and be able to share his/her story in return.

Do you have an accountability partner? Do you have any tips for someone searching for just the right accountability partner?

*These points were taken from Celebrate Recovery's fourth step.