If you messed up a lot said the sign next to it. Underneath was a lovely arrangement of roses, tulips, baby's breath, etc.
"Man, but if that isn't a crock," my husband said one night when he got home from work after seeing those signs in the window. "I know to never, never give you flowers when I've messed up."
What he's referring to happened almost a year ago in January. I discovered what he'd been looking at, and just like every other time, I felt like somebody had hit me with a two-by-four. I didn't talk to him for days. I harbored so much anger (because I'm one of those who lets it build and build inside me until I'm about to emotionally burst) toward him and wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. Of course, like most men seem to believe, flowers should heal my aching heart.
Very big mistake.
When those flowers arrived, I wasn't at home. I never called the florist back and they ended up delivering the arrangement to my neighbor's house. (Who, of course, had a barrage of annoying questions about why he'd sent them to me. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's nosy neighbors!)
The card was signed with profuse words begging my forgiveness. I scratched out what he'd written and wrote my own message -- "These aren't for me. They're to help make you feel better!"
When he came home and saw what I'd written, I knew I'd hit him where it hurts. He took that vase of flowers and made his way to the front door.
"What do you think you're doing with those?" I asked.
"What does it matter. They're mine." He went outside and the next thing I heard was glass shattering against the driveway. He'd taken that vase of flowers and had thrown them against the pavement. What followed was the most heart wrenching argument I've ever had with him. I bawled like I never had in the past.
But what followed the next day was the first real steps toward healing (because we'd been through this before). For both of us. Is he fully "cured"? No, he never will be. He's what addicts call a "lifer." He will forever be in recovery, forever be learning to fill the bad with good, forever taking one day at a time. And for now, I've made the decision to stay with him. I made that decision, not him, even though he gave me the option to leave him.
But he knows to never send me flowers for his screw-ups ever again.
Is there one thing your spouse has done in the past that only tells you he/she is feeling guilty for his/her wrongs and not really doing it for you?
My husband has NEVER sent me flowers, for any reason. The best he can do, is a bunch of half-dead flowers from the grocery store, but only on my birthday, mother's day and maybe Valentine's Day... and oh... he got me some flowers when my husband died. Yes, I was disappointed, but he's cheap. What can I say?
ReplyDeleteI've thought about it... and ya know... its quite astonishing... but aside from the SA, I don't recall a time where my h really, really messed up. I mean, yes we had a few arguments here and there, but they were rare and we always worked it out. Or at least, I had.
We actually, had a very good, very adult relationship and made each other laugh-- CONSTANTLY!!! But, he's sick and left it all waaaaay too long.
I am horrified by your husband's behavior; at best, he was acting like a 3 yr old.
Lots of women stay with abusive men. lots and lots... I am very sorry for you. If my husband had done anything like that, I would've left him years earlier. Sorry honey, but I'm going to have to unsubscribe from your blog.
When I see a woman being abused, and then accepting it and coming back for more and more and more... it is a massive trigger for me; my problem entirely. I understand that you have your reasons for staying and I get that. I did too. We have two neurologically impaired children and there was no way, I could've handled them and the ongoing drama in their lives, 5 years ago, without my husband's support. (they are doing great now, BTW!)
and besides, I believed him.
But this is just too much for me. I wish you nothing but the best.
God Speed!
Lexie
Lexie,
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how you saw what he did as abusive. Yes, he acted like a kid, but we all do awful things when we're angry. I'm no exception. Anger is one of many emotions God has given us and like every other emotion, we have to learn to control it. Sorry you view this post in that way. He has never once hit me or verbally abused me (and believe me, I know verbal abuse from a few people who have been in my life in the past.) I wish you and your kids the best and may you find what you need to get through the hurts in your life.
Take care,
T.F.T.
Fragile Teacup,
ReplyDeleteWow, this is such an interesting topic…thank you. Surprisingly enough, since we both began recovery and the healing process, what comforts me the most when he screws up is him doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! In the past I always felt like his apologies were simply “telling me what I wanted to hear.” And for me, an addict’s constant apologies are like knives to the gut…they hurt like @#!*% , because I know there’s more to come. So, it has been my experience that his attempts to comfort me with his words are what really pushes my buttons. Now… he no longer says what he thinks I want or need to hear, nor does he try to appease me with apologies and empty promises. For me, that is so much more comforting and real than me sitting up listening to a bunch of lies. He does support me, but he allows me to have and take responsibility for my feelings and if he messes up, he admits it and we are better able to discuss it. Earlier in our recovery, I went to the office and shredded a majority of all the sweet letters and notes he had written me, during the time he was secretly acting out. I did this for me, to rid myself of the negative energy that was attached to all his lies and promises. He of course was extremely triggered, as he felt as if I was “throwing him and our relationship away.” I simply told him that I no longer wanted his words on paper because that held no meaning or truth for me. I expressed that once his actions matched his words, only then did I care to receive a letter or card from him. Thanks so much for the post. You are not alone!
SteadyHealing~ http://apathtohealing.wordpress.com
Renee,
ReplyDeleteMost definitely don't feel bad about shredding those letters! I went and got rid of the nice, expensive computer screen my husband had purchased. I still haven't told him what I did with it, but after asking the first time, he's never asked again. He knows it was very cathartic for me, because I was getting rid of one of his sources for searching out his addiction. Getting beyond those initial days and months filled with anger are the hardest, but I have to. I can't let someone else's lies and half-truths eat me alive from the inside out. Keeping quiet and letting me be is something I need from time to time. And he knows it. For some reason, there's such a peace in the silence sometimes. But then we have to face the monster of his addiction sooner or later. And we've had to learn how to communicate all over again. But we're learning and he's working on his issues, which gives me a sense of peace as well.
Thanks for stopping by!
T.F.T.