These are the five love languages:
- Quality Time
- Words of Affirmation
- Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
Since this year has been a particularly rough year in our marriage, I decided to read the book again. And I'm glad I am. I needed a refresher course not only in my husband's love language, but in mine, as well. I think sometimes I don't know how to reach out to my husband and communicate what's bothering me, but a lot of that stems from my love tank being on empty. Sometimes I'm just functioning on fumes. And I know the same goes for him. Learning to communicate in our love languages helps us to understand when the other is feeling particularly low about what's going on in his or my life.
Do you know your love language? Do you know your spouse's, and if so, are you speaking it and filling up his/her love tank?
Greetings,
ReplyDeleteI found your site through JWC. I, myself, am not a Christian, however I am a deeply spiritual woman who is on my path to healing from the effects of SA. Just wanted to let you know that your Blog is quite lovely. I feel all couples, married or otherwise, should be required to read that book. It is really insightful. I do know my partner's language, as well as my own, however I have found it more difficult to support him in the ways that are most loving ever since D Day. Just curious on your position...Have you found it more challenging to give your husband the love he needs, despite knowing the exact language he speaks? Sometimes it seems far easier to be alone, than to focus on my own healing and continue my relationship.
Anon,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you found my blog and thank you for your lovely comment. As to your question concerning my husband and his love tank, yeah, it's hard for me to speak it at times. I think that's what drove me back to reading the book. We had lost touch with what speaks to the core of our needs. He needs Words of Affirmation, and quite honestly, I can be a rather snarky, sarcastic individual. I'd gotten to the point where I seemed to have nothing nice to say about anything he did and looking back, I see why he felt driven to look in other places for fulfillment. That said, it does not excuse his actions and what he's done, and he now knows that. It is hard to remember that I need to encourage him in order for him to want to return my language.
In the beginning of this year, when his addiction was unraveling, I thought long and hard about leaving him and going it alone, but that would be the easy route, I think. Marriage is not always sunshine and rainbows, and since we'd been through trying times before, I knew God would give me the strength to get through this as well. So far, he has.
Thanks so much for dropping by, and feel free to come over any time you like. My prayers go out to you!
T.F.T
what if his tank has a hole in it?
ReplyDeletewhat if his tank is clogged up?
what if his tank is rusting?
I'm not saying that there isn't any value in this book, but why does what he did have to have ANYTHING to do with you, me or any of us?
most of the time, IT DOES NOT. its HIS sickness. his deal. and it would be there NO MATTER WHO HE WAS MARRIED TO.
I've been with my husband for 25 years. Leaving, the easy way out? OMG!!! not for me, it isn't. Ahhhh... but the first discovery was 5.5 years ago... so, its not like I JUST up and left. Its been a long time in coming. he said he would stop. He said that it was JUST chat. It wasn't "just" any such thing.
Honey, my h and I have had enough trials to last for three marriages. And ya know what? we got through them. We had a very GOOD relationship, except for the fact that he NEVER touched me... ahhh... yes, well... that's a problem, now isn't it?
but, he was able to touch a lot of other women.
it was exciting.
sure... its exciting when you're f**king over someone and you might get caught.
its sick.
I'm so very tired of women thinking that they are part of HIS problem. All couples have problems. We had two children that would've driven mother theresa to drink. He lost his job. He began to help me with my business, but he was "lonely"...
gotta get online and make some "friends"
"So, Sarah, how are you tonight?"
I'm fine, Sam... just sitting here... with my fingers up in wet places..."
and here we go...
while the wife has collapsed from utter exhaustion, cooking, laundry, and caring for two neurologically impaired children.
but WE'RE part of the problem
of course.
we're women.
Here's the deal -- his problem isn't my problem. That's not what this book is about. This book is about seeing that as human beings we all want to be loved, but how do we go about doing that. For example, I hate getting gifts, so if my husband got me gifts all the time, then he would be communicating to me in the completely wrong way. There would continue to be a love void in my life. My sister's love language is gifts, so when she gets something, anything, I see how happy it makes her.
ReplyDeleteI don't take responsibility for my husband's addiction -- I never have. But like it says in the book, when you know how to speak to your spouse in a way that fills his/her tank (and you really work on it or it will never pan out) then things will change in your relationship. Ours is evidence of that. Degrading him, being bitter, and throwing hurtful words at my husband will never heal him. And I want him to heal, because that's the only way he'll get through recovery. I don't take any part in his addiction, but as a human who is hurting from the hole he's dug for himself, I want him to make it through recovery. He has made the decision to take it seriously (and this is key for any addict) not me. I want him to heal. I want him to learn how to fill that awful hole with something positive. For him (and for our relationship) only God is doing that for him. And I'm glad to see that he's finally learning how to heal.
Fragile,
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. The insights learned in this book did a tremendous job of allowing me to really look at myself first, and truly identify what made me happy.Often times, I think we aren't even sure about what we like or dislike. Even if I never choose to get in another relationship, this book allowed me to see what I needed to see for me. And in a healthy, loving relationship...it helped me to see how I could be there lovingly, in the correct way for another person. I recently attended a couples workshop and it was interesting to see the number of people who not only were unaware of what made their partners happy, they couldn't really put into words what made them happy. This book was very helpful in allowing me to recognize both.
I love getting gifts and I love being surprised (with nice things) and having enough money to live on... and being able to go away... and romance and being touched and made love to.
ReplyDeletemy husband couldn't do any of that for me, and he doesn't really believe that he's a "sex addict," even though he never actually stopped when he said that he did and did much more than he said that he did. a lot more.
so, not only did he not give me what I needed (and I would often tell him so), he went out to take care of himself-- only. I have never ever known such pain as this.
I've spewed out plenty of hateful, degrading, bitter words towards my husband. Does it help him? probably not. But it sure helps me, because what he did to me is despicable behavior that no man will ever do to me and get away with it, and so, he had to go. I have two boys, 21 and 16 and they are learning what happens when a man doesn't take his promises seriously.
make no mistake, I'm beyond devastated. In fact, today I have been in so much pain, that I truly felt that my heart would just stop beating, at times.
we ARE part of their addiction. like it or not, we are part of the equation, albeit, unwittingly. But, we are not part of his problem-- that caused the addiction, in the first place. There is a distinction there, that I probably didn't make clear. The addict needs a stable force,(aka "wife") for what fun would it be for him while extracting his erotic high, if there wasn't someone there, someone who actually gave a damn about him. It is part of the rush and the thrill and the addictive high and besides, they also want a "normal" life.
My husband quite sadly, has no faith, of any kind. He is an atheist and as skeptical as one can be, in that regard. He has no hope. He has no prayers. He never held any hope that there was anything he could do to make our lives better or help with our intimacy issues. So, he just gave up. But he did this in regards to his work, as well. He gave up on a lot of things. He is weak and the seeds of that were planted in his infancy.
I sought out professional help and I tried everything in my power to be a good wife, but it takes two people to make a marriage and two people working on making their lives better...
I am glad that your husband seems to be walking the line,at this point in time, but I believe it is a slippery slope when we WANT something for them. My experience is that most addicts in their heart of hearts would be just as happy going back to the way things were (acting out and having his wife too) and some are really, really good at hiding this fact, and sometimes even from themselves. I am not saying all, but the reality is that long term recovery, as we SEE it, is quite rare.
ReplyDeleteI understand your desire to see him heal, but what is your husband doing to heal the hole that he's dug inside of YOU? Is he putting as much effort into all of this as you are? If he is, then great. However, so far, I have some grave doubts, based on everything that you've written, especially his recent "relapse." We say "relapse" but what does it really mean? Is it just a way to sugar-coat the reality that he may have never stopped acting out? Honey, I know this is difficult to hear and I understand this need you have that lives deep down inside your soul, because the alternative is something that none of us wishes to face. And certainly I'm not saying that its time to throw in the towel-- not at all! I am extremely concerned that he is acting out at work and could lose his job and I am concerned that he is largely giving you lip service and maybe even to himself too. Nothing would make me happier than to be proven wrong, however, I have seen this very scenario time and again and especially with "God-fearing" people. I have enormous respect and admiration for deeply spiritual people, but total disdain for those who use it as a cloak to hide behind and it does exist. My BFF is a devout Catholic who insightfully explained it to me as substituting one addiction for another.
I hung in there, a very long time Fragile, I really, really did. I wish my husband had even pretended to try and even there, he fell way short. :(
I hope that you will take all of this in the loving spirit in which it was intended.
Save yourself, honey. Stay safe. There is nothing that you can do for him. nothing. In fact, many a woman unwittingly enable their partners to act out, by "helping" them. Make a plan for a "just in case scenario." Hopefully, you won't ever have the need, but if you do, you'll be glad that you had it already in place.
best wishes ~ Lexie
Thank you Lexie for all your insightful words. I take in what others have experienced and share with me and decide what works best for what I'm going through. How we all react to our addict is different, and my heart definitely goes out to you and your pain. Just hang in there, like all the rest of us. Life has to move on, with or without that person bringing so much pain into our lives. Only you know what's best for your circumstances.
ReplyDeleteAnon -- I, like you, have gotten so much from this book. I'm glad to see it's working for you.
Fragile,
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate the thoughtfulness and care you put into your posts and responses. I would really love for you to join, comment, and follow my blog http://apathtohealing.wordpress.com. You said, "perhaps I can make a difference in your journey as well. No one needs to be alone." This statement is so true and I know that by reaching out to others we are healing ourselves. So if you can, please come on by and I know your insights will touch others as they have for me here. It is my vision that many of us are writing, sharing, reaching out, and truly coming together to support one another. You do not have to publish this, just didn't know of any way to communicate with you directly. Thank you. Hope to hear from you soon.
I have always agreed with lexie...be it here or on marriedtoasexaddict.com...I too gave two years to my SA to recover..he made all the right noises..turned to religion..stopped getting into situations that could tempt him.
ReplyDeleteBut..and there is always a but....only admitted to porn and chat room pick ups and multiple affairs coz I had proof.he yet doesn't admit to prostitutes whose numbers are all over his phone bills.
He keeps saying that he has given so much to our relationship in the past two years which is a way of saying that he stopped everything coz of this relationship.no matter what they may say deep down they believe that they have changed for us and at payback time (which is us becoming doormats) when it doesn't happen out of anger and resentment they "relapse".
So that is how we get sucked into their world ..that if only I speak words of love he would heal..if only I am not sarcastic he would not watch porn and so on and on.
When I too get sucked into his way of thinking I just ask one thing of myself..by the same logic I too should have sought relief in porn or other men during the relationship coz he was never always loving and gentle.and all the more so after having found out about him I should have turned to porn and other men.
But we didn't and havent..have we?
So even in absence of love and caring non SAs don't turn to such means so what makes us think that in presence of love SAs will not resort to their old ways.
I too feel like lexie that we just cling to our dreams and are not strong enough to face reality.
And deep down we yet feel that we are the healers and we can change them.
Co dependency anyone?
Anon,
ReplyDeleteYou bring up some interesting points. Have you always felt that you must be the one to change him? For me, I've always known I can't change him, and I never will have that capability. When I realized how lost he was in his addiction and how adversely it was affecting our lives I told him I can't help him and he better get the help he needs if he wants to save our relationship and our family. At first, he didn't seek that help wholeheartedly, because frankly, his heart wasn't ready to change yet. The addict has to hit some sort of bottom before he/she is willing to finally change. When talk of splitting up and divorce came into the picture that's when my husband knew that he needed to get real help. And he did. Do I fear relapse? Of course! What woman doesn't? But I think one thing that gets muddled in the whole SA thread is that it is an addiction and like any addiction, the addict is trying to fill some sort of hole, some sort of place that they have never dared tell anyone about or tried to go back and work through. If my husband wasn't a porn addict, then he'd be filling that hole with something else, whether it be drugs, alcohol, anger, or heck, even codependency.
But getting to the root? That's the hard, unthinkable part for any addict, and so they continue in their addiction.
Do I know and completely understand the root of what makes my husband's addiction tick? No. But his sponsor and accountability partner do, and that's the important part. As long as he's keeping that contact and has another to pour out his heart to, then I know he's still on the right track.
When we want to be the ones to change our addict, then yes, it's easy to get sucked into that hole. But, when we step back and say get your crap figured out or the worst will happen, then we aren't always going to feel like we're "fixing" our spouse. They're the ones who will have to figure out how to do the fixing.