Taking Responsibility

Taking responsibility for a given situation that we have either created or taken part in is something we learn from the time our mother says her first 'no' to us. It's strange, but lately I've been learning a lot about how many adults in my life don't remember how to look at a given situation and see that they are actually the ones causing things to happen as they fall to pieces around them.

There is a person in my life right now who has decided that by ignoring the situation she created, that by saying another person is actually responsible, then she has fixed the problem. But no problem has been fixed here. She's the one allowing for the sequence of events to continue to spin out of control, and yet, she refuses to acknowledge that she's the one who allowed for the cycle to begin and the one who allows it to continue. Taking a little responsibility for what she's allowed to happen would be nice right about now.

I also have a sister who recently lost her job. I've talked to her endlessly about the hamster wheel she continues to run on. She wants things to change for the better, ultimately blames God for the mess in her life, and withdraws from others in general, particularly the family. I've come to a point where nothing I say will help what addicts term 'the cycle of insanity', because I know she will keep going back to her familiar dark corners and continue to blame others around her. Again, taking a little responsibility for the fact that she ultimately pushed some limit too far that got her fired would be nice right about now.

And then there is my husband. We had an argument over some things that have surfaced from his past. I was so upset and unsettled by what I discovered. We sat down and I told him exactly how this was making me feel, just as we've learned to do through all the healing our relationship has been going through over the past couple of years. What I wanted from him was ownership of his actions. And you know what, he took it. He's not perfect and every day is a battle against the enemy. I know this. But, when things come to light that I had no knowledge of, I just want to hear him say that, yes, he did that and he's the one responsible for the repercussions.

Sometimes, when it comes to the difficult relationships in our lives, all we really need to hear is that the person responsible take ownership of their part in the downward spiral. Taking responsibility is so hard at times, but so important.

Do you struggle with responsibility and your part in given situations? Or do you have that one person who continues to frustrate you because he/she refuses to believe they have done wrong?

Decisions, Decisions

The past two weeks have been difficult for our family. Things concerning my in-laws have finally come to a head. You see, there were some decisions made late last year involving a certain family member -- decisions that would ultimately adversely affect our small family on this side of the coin.

Sadly enough, my husband's hand has been forced to lay down an ultimatum. He can no longer emotionally or spiritually be connected to the poor decisions of other individuals and he finally made sure they knew, writing it all down in black and white. Beforehand, he'd been told that his opinion didn't matter, that the person who made this debilitating decision didn't care who they hurt in the process. They wanted it, and another individual was willing to pay to have it done.

I know I sound a bit cryptic, but let's just say that this other person's decision centers around his sexual addiction. And he's gone so far down that it's incredibly scary. But another family member was willing to say, "You want this, then I'll pay for it." And they keep paying for this individual's addiction. It's like buying crack for the drug addict, or supplying fresh bottles of alcohol for the alcoholic, simply because that's what he wants.

We've decided, as a family and especially since my husband is working through his own form of sexual addiction, that we can no longer be around these individuals. This decision doesn't come lightly; I've seen my husband's tears over this matter more times than I can count. He feels abandoned by his family. He feels that unless he falls for another's manipulative dealings, then he will live with nothing but guilt. Having been through a childhood filled with manipulation, I know exactly where he's coming from. It's just that one day you have to say, "Enough!" and move on with your life without that other individual. God does not call us to follow along in another's sin. He calls us to a life of integrity, much like he did Daniel. Even in the midst of all the turmoil in life, we have to remember that God is in control and that He wants to use us.

But we have to be willing. And sometimes being willing means stepping aside so that He can do the work in another. Letting go is one of the hardest decisions to make.

Are you facing a difficult decision right now, one that might affect more than just you? Do you think my husband has made the right decision in stepping away from his family?

A Season of Planting

I enjoy this time of year because everything is finally coming to life after months of cold, miserable weather (nothing against those who enjoy the winter, I'm just saying...). This past weekend I took it upon myself to start my spring planting, and although it was a hot afternoon, I enjoyed taking a step back and looking at those little rows of dirt holding their treasure, waiting for life to spring forth during the summer months ahead.

And I love seeing those first sprouts of life when the green shoots finally come above ground and I can breath a sigh of relief. Then, I know that what I've planted is going to actually grow. I've had a few experiences where what I've planted with anticipation either gets eaten by the birds, grows in one giant clumped mess, or refuses to grow at all.

This is when I get disappointed, perhaps even frustrated.

Life tends to be like a garden always awakening in the springtime. We enjoy sowing our seeds into something new, with great anticipation at what will pop out of this new time in our lives. Will we get that job we interviewed for? Will we have the finances to take that long-awaited trip? Will we graduate college with fantastic grades? Will my daughter/son ever be born, and when it does come, will he/she look like me?

I don't know, those are just a few.

But then how does everything turn out? Do our plans grow big and strong and produce the desired results? Or perhaps we end up getting passed over for that new job. Or we don't have enough money to make that fantasy trip a reality. Or we realize our GPA wasn't quite what we hoped for upon graduation. Or maybe we suffer a miscarriage and enter a new season.

I don't like to live with the despair, though, even though Satan is hoping this is what I'll settle for. Despair does nothing for me. It makes me depressed, angry, frustrated, and creates self-doubt. Instead, I dig deep into God, letting him hear my hurt and pain. And you know what? Before long, new seeds are planted and start growing. Once again, I have a newness of life to look forward to!

Do you feel you're struggling through a season right now? Or maybe you're looking forward to something new and exciting? Or, even better, you're in the throws of experiencing God's blessings!

Marriage Mentoring

Life has been busy, that much is true. I'm trying to get some things back on track and one of them is this blog. So, bear with me as I try to get back into my routine.

The one thing I wanted to post about today is a recent marriage mentoring program my husband and I have been through. Not many people know the whole story of our eleven years of marriage, but we have been through A LOT. And I don't mean in the normal sense of life in general, but many things that have been out of the ordinary and very trying to our marriage. One of those things, of course, is my husband's porn addiction, which is what I write about here at The Fragile Teacup.

Anyway, where am I going with this, right?

Well, my husband and I have put a lot of prayer and thought into a new program at our church that works in partnership with a nonprofit counseling agency in town. They have a very defined and well-tested program they use for mentoring married couples who are going through A LOT and want to get their marriages back on track. So, my husband and I took the mentoring course and have now started our "practice mentoring" with a well-established mentoring couple in the program.

And I bet you can't guess what one of the first questions was for us? How did we meet and what has our marriage been like. And we told it all. The good, the bad, the tragic, the ugly, and the addiction recovery. Our practice couple was just a little more than flabbergasted when we finished our eleven year tale in the making.

But looking back at our testimony --  where we've been, the fires we have come through, and where we are today -- I, myself, am a little flabbergasted. God has done amazing things in our marriage! And it never ceases to amaze me! God has given us our testimony for a reason and we think that reason is to help other couples struggling through difficult times. I believe there is always healing to be done. All I have to do is look at where I am and see the healing God has done and continues to do in my life and in the life of my marriage.

Where are you in your testimony that God has given you? Can you look back and pinpoint those times when God was carrying you through the fire?

I Love Valentine's Day!

I always have actually.

I guess I've never understood the disdain and, in some cases, the vehement hate many people have for this holiday. Isn't that kind of an oxymoron -- hating a day about love?

I have fond memories from my childhood that, to this day, I still think about and smile. Valentine's Day stands out as a special holiday for me for several reasons. Although I love just about any major holiday, this day is not only a day set aside just for love (A day for love and that's it? How cool is that!) but with my family it is the one holiday that was not fraught with family friction.

Thanksgiving was an every-other-year event split between my parents.

Christmas was with my mother. New Year's with my father. (Every year.)

Easter was primarily with my mother until I was in high school.

I think you get the picture. Holidays were a back and forth, emotionally charged time for me.

But Valentine's Day? No, that was a chill holiday. Every year my stepfather bought me a bag of conversation hearts, and although my taste changed for them over the years, I still smile every time I see the seasonal shelves lined with them at my local grocery store. That pink bag of sugary confection meant that someone cared. And I didn't have to have an argument to see that.

As I got older and went onto high school, Student Council and FHA had their annual cupcake and carnation sales. I wasn't popular, but I did have all my siblings and my small circle of friends. There was nothing better than getting a cryptically signed card with U R COOL spelled out in red icing across a cupcake. I loved it every time. And there was the year my sister sent me a carnation with a sweet sisterly message attached (and we really weren't so sweet and sisterly!) and I loved that too.

I never dated, only a few brief dates in college, until I met my husband in graduate school. And although the reservation was at ten o'clock at night and I was extremely exhausted by the time we got home, I still love how seriously he took my words. I'd told him I'd never had a date on Valentine's Day, so this would be something new and special to me. And he made it special. And he's made it special ever since.

This year, I wanted to give back to him all the lovely, special moments he planned for me over the years, whether it be the heart-shaped pizza, the carpet picnics, or the roses he's sent. I arranged for a week of love, and I'm loving it! I'm enjoying seeing his surprise with every little thing I give or do.

Sometimes that's the beauty about love -- it feels so good to give it in return!

A Woman's Wound

I've been reading a fascinating book lately. As a present, I received John and Stasi Eldredge's book Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul. If you've ever read any of John Eldredge's books, then you know his works delve deeply into the heart and soul of what shapes men and women.

There are many fascinating aspects to this book, but the one I want to touch on today is from "Chapter Four: Wounded". This section gripped me in a way I hadn't thought much about in the past. Basically, women all have a wound from their pasts. That wound could happen at anytime in our upbringing, and much of the wounding that continues on past that initial wound almost always relates back to it.

Some of the stories Stasi shares are so sad, but there are those I can relate to. For instance, some women's wounds stem from having passive fathers, men who paid more attention to their drinking and carousing with friends than they did their own daughters' dance recitals. Some women's wounds stem from just the fact that they were born a girl or that they were born at all. One woman's father rejected her at birth, simply because she was not born a boy. She prayed all throughout her childhood that God would make her into a boy. Stasi Eldredge relates her own story about being the fourth and final child in a family that didn't want anymore children. She always saw herself as problematic because she was even born at all. Another woman's father divorced his mother over an affair. When she spent any time with her father after that, this is what she had to say:

"I learned to cry underwater. When we'd go to the pool, I didn't want him to see me cry."

And how could I not cry over words like that?

This isn't the first time I've heard of the woman's wound, but it's the first time I've really taken a look at the wound inside myself and how it relates to what my life has been like since. I see my life as a path strewn with failure, even though I've been told many times that's not my path at all. But it's getting me to actually see my skewed view that's important.

I still have to read the chapter on healing the wound, and when I do, I'll get back to you on that one.

Have you ever thought about your wound? Did you even think you had one?

Don't Worry...I Didn't Fall Off the Face of the Earth!

I know it's been a while since I've been by here to post, but, quite honestly, life has been crazy busy.

First, there were the holidays, and those are always insane no matter how big or how small your family is. Ours is small, but we still had company from out of town and that always seems to monopolize my time.

Next, we dealt with the school district concerning my daughter's education. We've been through a long, exhausting process to find out what is going on with her education-wise. We've been through so much just trying to figure out her issues with her learning environment, and, like most public school districts, they enjoyed dragging the process out for as long as they possibly could. Were we satisfied with the end results? Well, not 100%, but we have tools in place for now and I think our daughter is on a better path.

Last, but not least, we've been struggling to make sense of some extended family issues. We were told by a certain individual in our family that they were going to make a decision whether we liked it or not. We did not like it or agree with it, but we've kept our distance and are just trying to make sense of all of it. We've decided we'll have to make some tough decisions concerning the welfare of our own immediate family, and that might require us voicing a final stance and sticking to it. Please, keep us in your prayers with this one.

On the flipside, there have been some good things happening over the past couple of months. My husband's recovery is going well. He's been invited to give his testimony at another church sometime in the near future, and he's always happy to share what God is doing in his life. We've also attended a couple's mentoring seminar that allows for us to mentor other couples, mainly within our church. Addiction is a hard thing to go through, but we have so many unpredictable and trying things happen in our marriage outside of addiction and we want to be able to share what God has given us. To anyone who thinks differently, marriage is not a piece of cake!

I hope all of you are having a better 2013 than you did a 2012. I know I certainly am so far!