Marriage Mentoring 101

I've mentioned before that my husband and I have been going through marriage mentoring training at our church. And it's been not only helpful to our own marriage, but very revealing and insightful when it comes to marriage as a whole.

Here are a few things we've learned so far:

1. Dating is so very important -- One of the first activities we were given was to immediately set aside a date night. Surprisingly enough, a majority of couples out there don't even know what it's like to date their spouse. Most couples who go through this marriage mentoring have such a fractured relationship that they hardly speak to one another on cordial terms. So, yes, dating is very crucial in opening up that line of communication again.
2. Understand where your spouse is coming from -- Many spouses have allowed their relationships to erode out of sheer selfishness. Each wants what he/she wants and to hell with what the other wants. Because of this, communication breaks down. One or the other gives up on trying to get his/her point across. Active listening is key in rebuilding the relationship.
3. Identify the problem areas and learn how to work through them -- How many of us would raise our hand when asked what's wrong with our marital relationship? Probably all of us. But how many of us will be in sync with what our spouse thinks is the main problem? Not many. Because these broken down relationships become so one-sided, we tend to be blind to what the other believes is the problem. Why communication is so important.
4. Reassure your spouse -- I know from personal experience with my husband's addiction that there are times when even the smallest things send my mind and emotions into a tailspin. Ex. Not so long ago my husband hung up on me in the middle of a heated conversation. Immediately I feared he would do what he's done in the past when it comes to his addiction -- seek out solace at a porn site. When I raised this concern, our leaders told us that we need to be able to reassure one another that the old us is not going to step in and take over the worked-on us. My husband was very receptive and understanding of this and this is something we've worked on over the past couple of months.
5. Strong spiritual agreement is key -- When two individuals believe two completely different ways spiritually, right away they step into an unbalanced relationship. Believe it or not, how we were raised and how we hold onto beliefs from our past, plus what we've incorporated since can strongly direct the flow of a marriage. Being in agreement spiritually brings things to an even keel.
6. Just spend time talking -- Yes, men and women are programmed differently, but one thing we really have to do in our relationship is talk. You hear it everywhere you go! Communication is key! And the best way to do that is just set aside some time for the two of you and talk. See what's been bugging her lately. Find out why he's been so moody. Whatever you say will impact and hopefully help your relationship in some way.

I hope some of what I've shared is helpful, especially if you're facing some struggle in your relationship. And, yeah, communication really is key when it comes to rebuilding what you have with your spouse!

No Cavities!

The other day I went to the dentist with my daughter. Usually, the dentist isn't so bad. I get a quick cleaning and I'm in and out within a half hour. This time, however, I had dual appointments with my daughter.

And talk about the fretting!

She's had a few cavities in the past, and considering that money can be tight at times, I really didn't want to have to shell out for another filling...or two. So, my husband and I said that if a cavity was found then she'd get no sugar until her next checkup in six months. A hard discipline to sick to? You bet! On the flipside, if she didn't have any cavities then I'd do the usual and take her for ice cream afterwards.

Needless to say, there was a lot of brushing, flossing, and mouthwashing going on as the days passed and it got down to the wire.

When we pulled into a parking space outside the dentist's office, she said that she'd been praying a lot and tithing, so God would listen and there wouldn't be any cavities.

She made me laugh. I explained to her that we also have to do our parts.

And isn't that the way it is? We can pray for anything under the sun, but unless we go out there and be obedient and do our parts, He's not going to honor something that doesn't come from our hearts. Either it comes from greed, selfishness, or something else that just sets us on the wrong course. God isn't into making deals.

I explained this to her, like I've explained it to her many times in the past. Does she get it? Sometimes, I think, but how many times has God had to redirect our selfish desires. Many times on my part!

We walked away from the dentist and she had a clean bill of oral health. No cavities! And that's when she said, "Prayer really works!"

Yes, it does.

Then we went and got ice cream.

Spending Time

Isn't it strange how you can spend something that you can't really hold in your hands, nor are you fully aware that you're spending it most of the time? I don't know. That just grabbed my attention when I titled this post.

Anyway, what I mean by spending time is that quality time you're able to have with your spouse. I don't mean slipping in a few minutes of watching t.v. after the kids have gone to bed, the dishes have been done, and you're both thoroughly exhausted after a day's work.

No, I'm talking about that time you set aside for something special.

This past week, our daughter has been away at camp and my husband and I knew we wanted to do something together, just the two of us. We live about six hours away from our nearest relatives, and seeing as how we've had to set some pretty stiff boundaries with them, we haven't ventured into their neck of the woods for a while, nor will we anytime soon.

So, we try our best to make some magic!

But it's hard. Babysitters haven't been overly reliable or we have one who gets pretty expensive and we just can't always afford to hire her. Needless to say, we took full advantage of this week without a kid!

And it was well worth it!

We booked a last minute hotel deal (and it turned out to be a pretty nice hotel), drove the hour trip to our destination, swam a few hours in the wonderfully relaxing pool and hot tub, ordered in room service and watched some cable movies. We haven't had cable for the past few years, so it's a treat to actually have more than five channels to choose from. The next day, we walked around the city, went to a museum, and just plain enjoyed ourselves.

Although our trip was a one-night, short-but-sweet kind of thing, it was well worth doing. All couples need to set aside time at least every couple of weeks and remember what it was like to date that other person. I find it to be a great bonding time with my husband, time we really need with one another.

Have you spent any quality time with your spouse lately?

The Glassed-In Room

This week, I spent time working my church's annual VBS. Now, I know for a fact that God hasn't called me to work with children's ministries, because I've tried and failed miserably at it in the past, but for my daughter's sake, I decided to help out behind the scenes.

Since I tend to be a reclusive, hermit-type individual, I knew spending this week, checking in kids and meeting parents, would allow me an opportunity to get to know more women in my church. I prefer folding in on myself, sticking to my comfort zones, and living in my own writing world, but I also know God has called me to be part of a community of believers. I'm one of those who has to force myself to be sociable, whether it be at church, at a writing meeting, or having lunch with some of my husband's co-workers. It's tough, but I do it.

So, this past week, during my down time at the church in between VBS sessions, I found myself stuck in a glassed-in room with about eight other women with children in the program and helping out in one way or another, although with some of them I wasn't quite sure why they were there other than to gossip. And I guess that's what I'm getting at here.

I'm not a gossiper.

It's not because I deliberately go out of my way to avoid gossip of any kind, it's just, well, I don't want the world to know my news so why would I go spreading about someone else's dirty laundry. But church ladies never fail to amaze me. When given the chance, stories are brought up, names are mentioned in low voices, and many "Don't tell anyone else this, but did you know..." get passed around. I find it disturbing and maybe that's why I shy away from some of the younger women in the church. From past experiences, it seems that the more mature a Christian woman is in her faith, the older she tends to be. And I prefer someone who isn't liable to drop my name into an unseemly discussion.

But there's something else that got to me this week, too. As many of you know, I've struggled the past few years with my husband's addiction and we've been going through a lot of healing. Sometimes it makes me cry when I think of where our relationship once was and how much we've grown since. So, I guess it disturbed me greatly when the women's gossip eventually evolved into "Hollywood Crushes."

Now, I'm not saying that there aren't some great looking actors in Hollywood, but it amazed me how much these women obsess about them. I can honestly say, outside of when I was a lot younger and not involved with anyone, that I have never really been attracted to the qualities Hollywood men posses. I mean, many of them are self-absorbed, caught in wild patterns of immorality, and been married so many times I have a hard time keeping track of what wife they're on. But these women in the glassed-in room just kept going on and on. And then the justification started.

They said with women it's not the same as it is for men.

They said there was no lust involved.

They said they just liked to look at beautiful people.

They said it doesn't go beyond the image on the screen.

But isn't that exactly what men do? They look at those pictures on the screens getting passed around the room. They pretend there isn't any lust, that the woman is just beautiful and ought to be looked at, otherwise, why would she be wearing that outfit. They say that it is their wives they go home to.

The whole conversation just made me sad. It also made me realize how far I've come when it comes to viewing sexual addiction. Conversations like this one get framed in a whole new light. When I discussed it with my husband, he agreed. How would I like it if he was looking up hot Hollywood women on his phone and then passing it around the room so all the other guys could see what he thought was hot and what he thinks he's missing at home? I'd feel pretty lousy and once again shameful of my relationship.

How would you feel?

Taking Responsibility

Taking responsibility for a given situation that we have either created or taken part in is something we learn from the time our mother says her first 'no' to us. It's strange, but lately I've been learning a lot about how many adults in my life don't remember how to look at a given situation and see that they are actually the ones causing things to happen as they fall to pieces around them.

There is a person in my life right now who has decided that by ignoring the situation she created, that by saying another person is actually responsible, then she has fixed the problem. But no problem has been fixed here. She's the one allowing for the sequence of events to continue to spin out of control, and yet, she refuses to acknowledge that she's the one who allowed for the cycle to begin and the one who allows it to continue. Taking a little responsibility for what she's allowed to happen would be nice right about now.

I also have a sister who recently lost her job. I've talked to her endlessly about the hamster wheel she continues to run on. She wants things to change for the better, ultimately blames God for the mess in her life, and withdraws from others in general, particularly the family. I've come to a point where nothing I say will help what addicts term 'the cycle of insanity', because I know she will keep going back to her familiar dark corners and continue to blame others around her. Again, taking a little responsibility for the fact that she ultimately pushed some limit too far that got her fired would be nice right about now.

And then there is my husband. We had an argument over some things that have surfaced from his past. I was so upset and unsettled by what I discovered. We sat down and I told him exactly how this was making me feel, just as we've learned to do through all the healing our relationship has been going through over the past couple of years. What I wanted from him was ownership of his actions. And you know what, he took it. He's not perfect and every day is a battle against the enemy. I know this. But, when things come to light that I had no knowledge of, I just want to hear him say that, yes, he did that and he's the one responsible for the repercussions.

Sometimes, when it comes to the difficult relationships in our lives, all we really need to hear is that the person responsible take ownership of their part in the downward spiral. Taking responsibility is so hard at times, but so important.

Do you struggle with responsibility and your part in given situations? Or do you have that one person who continues to frustrate you because he/she refuses to believe they have done wrong?

Decisions, Decisions

The past two weeks have been difficult for our family. Things concerning my in-laws have finally come to a head. You see, there were some decisions made late last year involving a certain family member -- decisions that would ultimately adversely affect our small family on this side of the coin.

Sadly enough, my husband's hand has been forced to lay down an ultimatum. He can no longer emotionally or spiritually be connected to the poor decisions of other individuals and he finally made sure they knew, writing it all down in black and white. Beforehand, he'd been told that his opinion didn't matter, that the person who made this debilitating decision didn't care who they hurt in the process. They wanted it, and another individual was willing to pay to have it done.

I know I sound a bit cryptic, but let's just say that this other person's decision centers around his sexual addiction. And he's gone so far down that it's incredibly scary. But another family member was willing to say, "You want this, then I'll pay for it." And they keep paying for this individual's addiction. It's like buying crack for the drug addict, or supplying fresh bottles of alcohol for the alcoholic, simply because that's what he wants.

We've decided, as a family and especially since my husband is working through his own form of sexual addiction, that we can no longer be around these individuals. This decision doesn't come lightly; I've seen my husband's tears over this matter more times than I can count. He feels abandoned by his family. He feels that unless he falls for another's manipulative dealings, then he will live with nothing but guilt. Having been through a childhood filled with manipulation, I know exactly where he's coming from. It's just that one day you have to say, "Enough!" and move on with your life without that other individual. God does not call us to follow along in another's sin. He calls us to a life of integrity, much like he did Daniel. Even in the midst of all the turmoil in life, we have to remember that God is in control and that He wants to use us.

But we have to be willing. And sometimes being willing means stepping aside so that He can do the work in another. Letting go is one of the hardest decisions to make.

Are you facing a difficult decision right now, one that might affect more than just you? Do you think my husband has made the right decision in stepping away from his family?

A Season of Planting

I enjoy this time of year because everything is finally coming to life after months of cold, miserable weather (nothing against those who enjoy the winter, I'm just saying...). This past weekend I took it upon myself to start my spring planting, and although it was a hot afternoon, I enjoyed taking a step back and looking at those little rows of dirt holding their treasure, waiting for life to spring forth during the summer months ahead.

And I love seeing those first sprouts of life when the green shoots finally come above ground and I can breath a sigh of relief. Then, I know that what I've planted is going to actually grow. I've had a few experiences where what I've planted with anticipation either gets eaten by the birds, grows in one giant clumped mess, or refuses to grow at all.

This is when I get disappointed, perhaps even frustrated.

Life tends to be like a garden always awakening in the springtime. We enjoy sowing our seeds into something new, with great anticipation at what will pop out of this new time in our lives. Will we get that job we interviewed for? Will we have the finances to take that long-awaited trip? Will we graduate college with fantastic grades? Will my daughter/son ever be born, and when it does come, will he/she look like me?

I don't know, those are just a few.

But then how does everything turn out? Do our plans grow big and strong and produce the desired results? Or perhaps we end up getting passed over for that new job. Or we don't have enough money to make that fantasy trip a reality. Or we realize our GPA wasn't quite what we hoped for upon graduation. Or maybe we suffer a miscarriage and enter a new season.

I don't like to live with the despair, though, even though Satan is hoping this is what I'll settle for. Despair does nothing for me. It makes me depressed, angry, frustrated, and creates self-doubt. Instead, I dig deep into God, letting him hear my hurt and pain. And you know what? Before long, new seeds are planted and start growing. Once again, I have a newness of life to look forward to!

Do you feel you're struggling through a season right now? Or maybe you're looking forward to something new and exciting? Or, even better, you're in the throws of experiencing God's blessings!

Marriage Mentoring

Life has been busy, that much is true. I'm trying to get some things back on track and one of them is this blog. So, bear with me as I try to get back into my routine.

The one thing I wanted to post about today is a recent marriage mentoring program my husband and I have been through. Not many people know the whole story of our eleven years of marriage, but we have been through A LOT. And I don't mean in the normal sense of life in general, but many things that have been out of the ordinary and very trying to our marriage. One of those things, of course, is my husband's porn addiction, which is what I write about here at The Fragile Teacup.

Anyway, where am I going with this, right?

Well, my husband and I have put a lot of prayer and thought into a new program at our church that works in partnership with a nonprofit counseling agency in town. They have a very defined and well-tested program they use for mentoring married couples who are going through A LOT and want to get their marriages back on track. So, my husband and I took the mentoring course and have now started our "practice mentoring" with a well-established mentoring couple in the program.

And I bet you can't guess what one of the first questions was for us? How did we meet and what has our marriage been like. And we told it all. The good, the bad, the tragic, the ugly, and the addiction recovery. Our practice couple was just a little more than flabbergasted when we finished our eleven year tale in the making.

But looking back at our testimony --  where we've been, the fires we have come through, and where we are today -- I, myself, am a little flabbergasted. God has done amazing things in our marriage! And it never ceases to amaze me! God has given us our testimony for a reason and we think that reason is to help other couples struggling through difficult times. I believe there is always healing to be done. All I have to do is look at where I am and see the healing God has done and continues to do in my life and in the life of my marriage.

Where are you in your testimony that God has given you? Can you look back and pinpoint those times when God was carrying you through the fire?

I Love Valentine's Day!

I always have actually.

I guess I've never understood the disdain and, in some cases, the vehement hate many people have for this holiday. Isn't that kind of an oxymoron -- hating a day about love?

I have fond memories from my childhood that, to this day, I still think about and smile. Valentine's Day stands out as a special holiday for me for several reasons. Although I love just about any major holiday, this day is not only a day set aside just for love (A day for love and that's it? How cool is that!) but with my family it is the one holiday that was not fraught with family friction.

Thanksgiving was an every-other-year event split between my parents.

Christmas was with my mother. New Year's with my father. (Every year.)

Easter was primarily with my mother until I was in high school.

I think you get the picture. Holidays were a back and forth, emotionally charged time for me.

But Valentine's Day? No, that was a chill holiday. Every year my stepfather bought me a bag of conversation hearts, and although my taste changed for them over the years, I still smile every time I see the seasonal shelves lined with them at my local grocery store. That pink bag of sugary confection meant that someone cared. And I didn't have to have an argument to see that.

As I got older and went onto high school, Student Council and FHA had their annual cupcake and carnation sales. I wasn't popular, but I did have all my siblings and my small circle of friends. There was nothing better than getting a cryptically signed card with U R COOL spelled out in red icing across a cupcake. I loved it every time. And there was the year my sister sent me a carnation with a sweet sisterly message attached (and we really weren't so sweet and sisterly!) and I loved that too.

I never dated, only a few brief dates in college, until I met my husband in graduate school. And although the reservation was at ten o'clock at night and I was extremely exhausted by the time we got home, I still love how seriously he took my words. I'd told him I'd never had a date on Valentine's Day, so this would be something new and special to me. And he made it special. And he's made it special ever since.

This year, I wanted to give back to him all the lovely, special moments he planned for me over the years, whether it be the heart-shaped pizza, the carpet picnics, or the roses he's sent. I arranged for a week of love, and I'm loving it! I'm enjoying seeing his surprise with every little thing I give or do.

Sometimes that's the beauty about love -- it feels so good to give it in return!

A Woman's Wound

I've been reading a fascinating book lately. As a present, I received John and Stasi Eldredge's book Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul. If you've ever read any of John Eldredge's books, then you know his works delve deeply into the heart and soul of what shapes men and women.

There are many fascinating aspects to this book, but the one I want to touch on today is from "Chapter Four: Wounded". This section gripped me in a way I hadn't thought much about in the past. Basically, women all have a wound from their pasts. That wound could happen at anytime in our upbringing, and much of the wounding that continues on past that initial wound almost always relates back to it.

Some of the stories Stasi shares are so sad, but there are those I can relate to. For instance, some women's wounds stem from having passive fathers, men who paid more attention to their drinking and carousing with friends than they did their own daughters' dance recitals. Some women's wounds stem from just the fact that they were born a girl or that they were born at all. One woman's father rejected her at birth, simply because she was not born a boy. She prayed all throughout her childhood that God would make her into a boy. Stasi Eldredge relates her own story about being the fourth and final child in a family that didn't want anymore children. She always saw herself as problematic because she was even born at all. Another woman's father divorced his mother over an affair. When she spent any time with her father after that, this is what she had to say:

"I learned to cry underwater. When we'd go to the pool, I didn't want him to see me cry."

And how could I not cry over words like that?

This isn't the first time I've heard of the woman's wound, but it's the first time I've really taken a look at the wound inside myself and how it relates to what my life has been like since. I see my life as a path strewn with failure, even though I've been told many times that's not my path at all. But it's getting me to actually see my skewed view that's important.

I still have to read the chapter on healing the wound, and when I do, I'll get back to you on that one.

Have you ever thought about your wound? Did you even think you had one?

Don't Worry...I Didn't Fall Off the Face of the Earth!

I know it's been a while since I've been by here to post, but, quite honestly, life has been crazy busy.

First, there were the holidays, and those are always insane no matter how big or how small your family is. Ours is small, but we still had company from out of town and that always seems to monopolize my time.

Next, we dealt with the school district concerning my daughter's education. We've been through a long, exhausting process to find out what is going on with her education-wise. We've been through so much just trying to figure out her issues with her learning environment, and, like most public school districts, they enjoyed dragging the process out for as long as they possibly could. Were we satisfied with the end results? Well, not 100%, but we have tools in place for now and I think our daughter is on a better path.

Last, but not least, we've been struggling to make sense of some extended family issues. We were told by a certain individual in our family that they were going to make a decision whether we liked it or not. We did not like it or agree with it, but we've kept our distance and are just trying to make sense of all of it. We've decided we'll have to make some tough decisions concerning the welfare of our own immediate family, and that might require us voicing a final stance and sticking to it. Please, keep us in your prayers with this one.

On the flipside, there have been some good things happening over the past couple of months. My husband's recovery is going well. He's been invited to give his testimony at another church sometime in the near future, and he's always happy to share what God is doing in his life. We've also attended a couple's mentoring seminar that allows for us to mentor other couples, mainly within our church. Addiction is a hard thing to go through, but we have so many unpredictable and trying things happen in our marriage outside of addiction and we want to be able to share what God has given us. To anyone who thinks differently, marriage is not a piece of cake!

I hope all of you are having a better 2013 than you did a 2012. I know I certainly am so far!