A Woman's Wound

I've been reading a fascinating book lately. As a present, I received John and Stasi Eldredge's book Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul. If you've ever read any of John Eldredge's books, then you know his works delve deeply into the heart and soul of what shapes men and women.

There are many fascinating aspects to this book, but the one I want to touch on today is from "Chapter Four: Wounded". This section gripped me in a way I hadn't thought much about in the past. Basically, women all have a wound from their pasts. That wound could happen at anytime in our upbringing, and much of the wounding that continues on past that initial wound almost always relates back to it.

Some of the stories Stasi shares are so sad, but there are those I can relate to. For instance, some women's wounds stem from having passive fathers, men who paid more attention to their drinking and carousing with friends than they did their own daughters' dance recitals. Some women's wounds stem from just the fact that they were born a girl or that they were born at all. One woman's father rejected her at birth, simply because she was not born a boy. She prayed all throughout her childhood that God would make her into a boy. Stasi Eldredge relates her own story about being the fourth and final child in a family that didn't want anymore children. She always saw herself as problematic because she was even born at all. Another woman's father divorced his mother over an affair. When she spent any time with her father after that, this is what she had to say:

"I learned to cry underwater. When we'd go to the pool, I didn't want him to see me cry."

And how could I not cry over words like that?

This isn't the first time I've heard of the woman's wound, but it's the first time I've really taken a look at the wound inside myself and how it relates to what my life has been like since. I see my life as a path strewn with failure, even though I've been told many times that's not my path at all. But it's getting me to actually see my skewed view that's important.

I still have to read the chapter on healing the wound, and when I do, I'll get back to you on that one.

Have you ever thought about your wound? Did you even think you had one?

Don't Worry...I Didn't Fall Off the Face of the Earth!

I know it's been a while since I've been by here to post, but, quite honestly, life has been crazy busy.

First, there were the holidays, and those are always insane no matter how big or how small your family is. Ours is small, but we still had company from out of town and that always seems to monopolize my time.

Next, we dealt with the school district concerning my daughter's education. We've been through a long, exhausting process to find out what is going on with her education-wise. We've been through so much just trying to figure out her issues with her learning environment, and, like most public school districts, they enjoyed dragging the process out for as long as they possibly could. Were we satisfied with the end results? Well, not 100%, but we have tools in place for now and I think our daughter is on a better path.

Last, but not least, we've been struggling to make sense of some extended family issues. We were told by a certain individual in our family that they were going to make a decision whether we liked it or not. We did not like it or agree with it, but we've kept our distance and are just trying to make sense of all of it. We've decided we'll have to make some tough decisions concerning the welfare of our own immediate family, and that might require us voicing a final stance and sticking to it. Please, keep us in your prayers with this one.

On the flipside, there have been some good things happening over the past couple of months. My husband's recovery is going well. He's been invited to give his testimony at another church sometime in the near future, and he's always happy to share what God is doing in his life. We've also attended a couple's mentoring seminar that allows for us to mentor other couples, mainly within our church. Addiction is a hard thing to go through, but we have so many unpredictable and trying things happen in our marriage outside of addiction and we want to be able to share what God has given us. To anyone who thinks differently, marriage is not a piece of cake!

I hope all of you are having a better 2013 than you did a 2012. I know I certainly am so far!

Thanksgiving

As the time nears to sit down with a turkey at my table (and no, I'm not referring to my husband), I wanted to list the top ten things I'm thankful for this year. So, here goes!

10. I have a car in my driveway that currently isn't suffering from some unknown problem.

9. I'll be able to spend the holiday with my husband and daughter, get cozy in front of the TV for the Thanksgiving parade, eat a tasty dinner, and top the day off with an annual favorite, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

8. My daughter's parent/teacher conference went well, and the end is in sight when it comes to my daughter's testing.

7. Pumpkin bars with cream cheese frosting! Yum!

6. My sister's baby that is due at the end of January. It's her first, and I'm very excited for her!

5. Beautiful, sunny weather this time of year.

4. God's provision for my family and the fact that He's always listening to my prayers!

3. My husband's one year of sobriety. He'll be sharing his testimony with a local recovery group and I'm praying that all goes well.

2. A roof over our heads, food on our table, and a wood-burning fireplace so we don't have to spend so much in natural gas this winter.

And, my #1 is:

1. Simply put, God's hand on my family. We've had a trying year, but God has been there for us every second, every moment, every week, and through everything that has happened. I have a joy in my heart that only God can create, and whether times are rough or not, I'll always have Him. He's who puts the joy into our family.

What are you thankful for this year?

Sobriety Birthday

I just wanted to share a quick post about a crucial milestone in my husband's recovery. As of Oct. 31, he is now one year free from his porn addiction. Sure, it's been an incredibly rocky year, but this is a much anticipated birthday for him. To celebrate the occasion, I made him a cake that simply said "1 Year" on it, and he took it and shared it with his recovery group.

I know there are many of you out there struggling through a spouse's addiction, trying to make sense of it all. It's a tough road, and many times you're thrown a curve ball or two. I just want to encourage you in making sure to look after yourself, seek an accountability partner, and make sure you're on track to being healed.

I still face each day with trepidation in my heart, but little by little it is diminishing. I continue to pray each day for my husband's continued recovery and for our family as well. With God's guidance and loving hand, I know I can weather this storm.

Family Matters

Last weekend, my husband took a trip back to his mother's house — alone. A few weeks prior, she'd called telling him there were some pressing family matters she wanted to discuss with him. She gave him an idea as to what it was all about. After he got off the phone with her, he sat me down and told me her breaking news. I've decided not to reveal that news at the moment, but let's just say I wasn't overly shocked, neither was he, but we were both saddened.

So, his mother bought him a plane ticket home and he spent three days with his family. Three shocking and unbelievable days.

His mother had only touched the tip of the iceberg with her news on the phone. There was so much more to the story, so much more to the family member involved, that when I heard my husband proclaim the news over the phone, I was literally at a loss for words.

Our first step was to immediately take the situation to the Lord. Next, he made sure to call his SA sponsor and talk things through with him and how my husband should handle the situation for the time being. Let's just say, when the family member heard my husband's feelings on the matter, even though he was very loving and stated he needed time to think things through, that family member blew up in his face, cursing with every other word being the f-bomb.

As a couple, we don't agree with the path this family member has chosen to take, but at the same time we haven't stopped loving this person. This individual has made a choice, one that will affect their life for years to come. Right away, my husband was seen as ignorant and unfeeling because he simply didn't agree with this person's life choices. This makes me both sad and angry.

We are not ignorant to the ways of the world. We just choose, unlike many out there who feel they have to go with everything that comes down the pike. But each of us has choices, whether another disagrees or not. It's just that we have to learn how to show grace to those who need it the most.

As a family, we are still in shock and utter disbelief, most importantly my husband. He woke up the day following his return home and when I asked him how he was feeling, he simply said he was sad. And that in turn makes me sad. We don't like to see those most important to us hurt over someone else's decisions.

My husband's plan is simple: Work the steps and keep in touch with his sponsor. Prayer is the number one thing for our family right now, and really, that's all we can do for this individual. We love this person and we will continue to battle the enemy on their behalf.

Rejection

Such and ugly word, when you think about it. I've waded through my fair share of rejection over the past couple of months, but I chose the writing profession and it's just something that comes with the territory.

But rejection comes in so many different forms.

When dealing with an unfaithful spouse, whether it's a physical, emotional, or visual betrayal, a woman always feels rejection. When she finds out what's going on, the questions begin. "Am I not pretty enough?" "Do I need to lose a few extra pounds?" "Why does he never pay attention to just me?" This is when betrayal and rejection cut the deepest.

As women, we don't want to feel like we're secondary to the magazines he flips through, to the woman he secretly has on the side, to that woman at work who seems to capture his attention in ways we cannot. And it hurts when we know that we don't take priority in his mind, that his thoughts are elsewhere when we try to have a conversation with our husbands.

It's been a while since I've experienced my husband's rejection, but every now and again, when I start to let the thoughts of this world creep into my mind, it rears its ugly head. October 31 will be my husband's one year sobriety date for his lust/porn addiction. After this depressing past year, this upcoming milestone brings tears to my eyes.

I can't believe he's made it a whole year, but with the changes in our lives, I know this sobriety date will be well-deserved for him.

Has your spouse experienced a sobriety milestone lately? How does that make you feel?

Digging a Grave and Losing a Friend

Last weekend my husband dug a grave, and no, it was not his own. My daughter's little gerbil had passed away sometime during the night and we had to have ourselves a funeral. It was her first pet, so we were all a little teary-eyed to say good-bye to little Chewy.

Yes, her name was Chewy.

Although cute, with pretty white fur, chewy was one of those pets that rarely got held. And it wasn't because we didn't have time to hold her. Three times she took a chunk out of my husband. After the third time, he said enough was enough, got himself a pair of leather gardening gloves, and we only took her out when we cleaned her cage each week.

It's sad, thinking back on the life of Chewy. My daughter got her because she wanted a little furry companion to play with but, unfortunately, Chewy just never really took to our family. She even bit a hole in the leather gloves at one point. She was aptly named even before whe knew much about her true nature.

I cried at her funeral, as my husband laid her in the hole we dug at the far end of the flower bed in the shade. My daughter then took the two bags of nuts that we used to feed her and dumped them over Chewy's tiny corpse. On top, she laid a picture she'd drawn of her gerbil and at the bottom she'd written "Chewy: 2010- 2012" (even though we bought her in 2009, but I didn't want to upset her even more).

We tried to have a good day that day, but we were all little blue to see Chewy go.

And I was blue for another good reason. My longtime friend and accountability partner moved out-of-state. I was so sad to see her go, because she's held me up during this last year. I couldn't have made it through if not for her gentle, patient ear listening to all I had to say concerning my husband's addiction and how it tore me in two. We'll keep in touch, but you know how it is -- it's that much harder when someone moves away.

Keep me in your prayers that I may find another close friend who will listen to me over a cup of tea.