To many of us struggling to get through and understand another's addiction, forgiveness sounds like a dirty word. Here's the thing, though -- if we never forgive, then in the end the only person we're really hurting is ourselves.At some point, we want to be loosed from our chains of unforgiveness, depression, hate, anger, and hurt. But how do we move beyond all those emotions roiling inside us? A few years back, I was in a very damaging auto accident. The psychiatrist who made the rounds and spoke with patients after traumatic experiences explained to me what I was feeling and experiencing. When our bodies incur trauma, we go through the same steps of grief that we would if we'd lost a loved one. At the time, I couldn't seem to wrap my head around that, but in retrospect, I see what he means. The same has happened when it comes to hitting the low of my husband's addiction.
Here are the Seven Stages of Grief:
- Shock and Denial
- Pain and Guilt
- Anger and Bargaining
- Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
- The Upward Turn
- Acceptance and Hope
Looking at the Seven Stages of Grief, where would you say you are in your journey of healing and forgiveness?
Hello Fragile,
ReplyDeleteVery good post and this is such an important topic. When I wrote about this on my blog I received some very interesting views. I am at the point in my life and in my recovery where I know that forgiveness is necessary in order for me to live a happy, healthy, and spiritual life...which is my intention each and every day. However, with SA it can get so, so hard and I feel stuck at times when it comes to forgiving him. I can say that I was very, very deep in stage 4 of the 7 that are listed and only recently (about 3 weeks ago) felt a shift. Nothing really happened "materially" but I felt a huge transition spiritually. I felt so depressed and so alone for months that I thought my life and my relationship was in total disrepair. We actually met with a therapist to discuss how to go about separating peacefully. I can not even put my finger on what happened, but I do know when I turned to my source (God) and put the focus back on me, something changed. I can clearly see that I am now fully out of stage 4 and in stage 5 (The Upward Turn). Although, I have an overall sense of alignment and peace, triggers and sadness still occur. In your experience, are those things that will continue to happen? Is there ever a time when episodes of sadness and feelings of "un-forgiveness" cease to arise? For example, just last night while watching a show, a particular scene reminded me the lies he told me a few years ago, saying how much he loved me and was thankful to God for "us", when all the while he was seeing someone else. This scene reminded me of that hurt and pain and I burst into tears quite unexpectedly and seemingly out of nowhere.
It's good to see that you're slowly making your way through the forgiveness process. All our lives people will hurt us, that's just the way life works, but it's up to us if we're going to continue to live in bitterness towards those individuals who did us wrong or if we say I forgive (so hard to say) and move on. Freedom from bitterness is such a good place to be. Yes, things remind me of unforgiveness and when I find myself in that accusatory mode, I know it's not God putting that sense of insecurity in me. Satan preys on what makes us tick and what draws us further and further away from or relationship with God. Satan's been at this game for a while, so he knows what he's doing. What we have to learn is to recognize where those angry and bitter feelings stem from. I still flinch when someone mentions pornography in a joking sense, and all I think is they don't know and how can someone joke about such a huge problem in so many people's lives. Thanks for sharing Steady Healing.
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