Why Can't I Make Him Change?

You know, it's interesting. I've heard and read many different stories of women who are married to some sort of addict. One woman I know has been in a twenty year relationship with her SA, has gone through the cycle of catching her husband in the lies, listening to him beg for forgiveness, giving in, and carefully moving forward just to end up back in the same cycle.

One woman I know has been married to an alcoholic/drug addict for five years, can't stand the sight of him anymore and has given her ultimatum of divorce.

Another woman I know has traveled down the road of addiction right alongside her alcoholic husband because, she, too, was an alcoholic. Same cycles, threats of divorce, and even kicking him out to live at his sponsor's house for a while. They are both recovered and still married to this day. And, I might add, running a recovery group that deals with the city's worst addicts.

What am I getting at with this?

In every case or instance, most of the women I've met have said that, in the very beginning, they believed their spouse would overcome their addiction, basically by sheer willpower, and they could help them through the process.

First, sheer willpower doesn't work. Gritting your teeth and toughing it out until you believe the cravings have finally subsided never works. Second, pretending to believe as the wife that you are fixing the problem in some way is nothing but co-dependency.

Yes, co-dependecy. We've all heard that word ad-nauseum. Here's the thing though:  we are all co-dependent in some way, shape, or form. If that wasn't the case, then we never would have gotten married in the first place, we would never call our mothers and cry out our tears on their shoulders, heck, we would never give birth to a child. We are not created to be solitary creatures. Even Jesus had his twelve disciples and cried tears of blood when those keeping watch while he prayed, fell asleep. He even felt alone at times.

But sometimes co-dependency is taken to the extreme. Sometimes (and once we learn the extreme signs of co-dependency) we come across someone who suffers from this form of addiction. They worry like crazy. They want to fix every problem around them. They feel the need to comfort everyone going through a difficult time, etc.

Here's the thing, for all of you out there thinking you can fix your spouse's addiction by being that co-dependent in his/her life -- You CAN'T. And you never will. It's as simple as that. Only he/she can hit rock-bottom and realize that he/she needs help.

And it's my belief that, with Christ taking control and the addict handing it over, only He can heal and change the addict. Believe me, I've read and heard countless testimonies of addiction healing through Christ. I've seen the transformations and it is amazing!

Do you show extreme signs of co-dependency? Have you ever thought about talking with someone else to help you through the healing process?