Thanksgiving

As the time nears to sit down with a turkey at my table (and no, I'm not referring to my husband), I wanted to list the top ten things I'm thankful for this year. So, here goes!

10. I have a car in my driveway that currently isn't suffering from some unknown problem.

9. I'll be able to spend the holiday with my husband and daughter, get cozy in front of the TV for the Thanksgiving parade, eat a tasty dinner, and top the day off with an annual favorite, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

8. My daughter's parent/teacher conference went well, and the end is in sight when it comes to my daughter's testing.

7. Pumpkin bars with cream cheese frosting! Yum!

6. My sister's baby that is due at the end of January. It's her first, and I'm very excited for her!

5. Beautiful, sunny weather this time of year.

4. God's provision for my family and the fact that He's always listening to my prayers!

3. My husband's one year of sobriety. He'll be sharing his testimony with a local recovery group and I'm praying that all goes well.

2. A roof over our heads, food on our table, and a wood-burning fireplace so we don't have to spend so much in natural gas this winter.

And, my #1 is:

1. Simply put, God's hand on my family. We've had a trying year, but God has been there for us every second, every moment, every week, and through everything that has happened. I have a joy in my heart that only God can create, and whether times are rough or not, I'll always have Him. He's who puts the joy into our family.

What are you thankful for this year?

Sobriety Birthday

I just wanted to share a quick post about a crucial milestone in my husband's recovery. As of Oct. 31, he is now one year free from his porn addiction. Sure, it's been an incredibly rocky year, but this is a much anticipated birthday for him. To celebrate the occasion, I made him a cake that simply said "1 Year" on it, and he took it and shared it with his recovery group.

I know there are many of you out there struggling through a spouse's addiction, trying to make sense of it all. It's a tough road, and many times you're thrown a curve ball or two. I just want to encourage you in making sure to look after yourself, seek an accountability partner, and make sure you're on track to being healed.

I still face each day with trepidation in my heart, but little by little it is diminishing. I continue to pray each day for my husband's continued recovery and for our family as well. With God's guidance and loving hand, I know I can weather this storm.

Family Matters

Last weekend, my husband took a trip back to his mother's house — alone. A few weeks prior, she'd called telling him there were some pressing family matters she wanted to discuss with him. She gave him an idea as to what it was all about. After he got off the phone with her, he sat me down and told me her breaking news. I've decided not to reveal that news at the moment, but let's just say I wasn't overly shocked, neither was he, but we were both saddened.

So, his mother bought him a plane ticket home and he spent three days with his family. Three shocking and unbelievable days.

His mother had only touched the tip of the iceberg with her news on the phone. There was so much more to the story, so much more to the family member involved, that when I heard my husband proclaim the news over the phone, I was literally at a loss for words.

Our first step was to immediately take the situation to the Lord. Next, he made sure to call his SA sponsor and talk things through with him and how my husband should handle the situation for the time being. Let's just say, when the family member heard my husband's feelings on the matter, even though he was very loving and stated he needed time to think things through, that family member blew up in his face, cursing with every other word being the f-bomb.

As a couple, we don't agree with the path this family member has chosen to take, but at the same time we haven't stopped loving this person. This individual has made a choice, one that will affect their life for years to come. Right away, my husband was seen as ignorant and unfeeling because he simply didn't agree with this person's life choices. This makes me both sad and angry.

We are not ignorant to the ways of the world. We just choose, unlike many out there who feel they have to go with everything that comes down the pike. But each of us has choices, whether another disagrees or not. It's just that we have to learn how to show grace to those who need it the most.

As a family, we are still in shock and utter disbelief, most importantly my husband. He woke up the day following his return home and when I asked him how he was feeling, he simply said he was sad. And that in turn makes me sad. We don't like to see those most important to us hurt over someone else's decisions.

My husband's plan is simple: Work the steps and keep in touch with his sponsor. Prayer is the number one thing for our family right now, and really, that's all we can do for this individual. We love this person and we will continue to battle the enemy on their behalf.

Rejection

Such and ugly word, when you think about it. I've waded through my fair share of rejection over the past couple of months, but I chose the writing profession and it's just something that comes with the territory.

But rejection comes in so many different forms.

When dealing with an unfaithful spouse, whether it's a physical, emotional, or visual betrayal, a woman always feels rejection. When she finds out what's going on, the questions begin. "Am I not pretty enough?" "Do I need to lose a few extra pounds?" "Why does he never pay attention to just me?" This is when betrayal and rejection cut the deepest.

As women, we don't want to feel like we're secondary to the magazines he flips through, to the woman he secretly has on the side, to that woman at work who seems to capture his attention in ways we cannot. And it hurts when we know that we don't take priority in his mind, that his thoughts are elsewhere when we try to have a conversation with our husbands.

It's been a while since I've experienced my husband's rejection, but every now and again, when I start to let the thoughts of this world creep into my mind, it rears its ugly head. October 31 will be my husband's one year sobriety date for his lust/porn addiction. After this depressing past year, this upcoming milestone brings tears to my eyes.

I can't believe he's made it a whole year, but with the changes in our lives, I know this sobriety date will be well-deserved for him.

Has your spouse experienced a sobriety milestone lately? How does that make you feel?

Digging a Grave and Losing a Friend

Last weekend my husband dug a grave, and no, it was not his own. My daughter's little gerbil had passed away sometime during the night and we had to have ourselves a funeral. It was her first pet, so we were all a little teary-eyed to say good-bye to little Chewy.

Yes, her name was Chewy.

Although cute, with pretty white fur, chewy was one of those pets that rarely got held. And it wasn't because we didn't have time to hold her. Three times she took a chunk out of my husband. After the third time, he said enough was enough, got himself a pair of leather gardening gloves, and we only took her out when we cleaned her cage each week.

It's sad, thinking back on the life of Chewy. My daughter got her because she wanted a little furry companion to play with but, unfortunately, Chewy just never really took to our family. She even bit a hole in the leather gloves at one point. She was aptly named even before whe knew much about her true nature.

I cried at her funeral, as my husband laid her in the hole we dug at the far end of the flower bed in the shade. My daughter then took the two bags of nuts that we used to feed her and dumped them over Chewy's tiny corpse. On top, she laid a picture she'd drawn of her gerbil and at the bottom she'd written "Chewy: 2010- 2012" (even though we bought her in 2009, but I didn't want to upset her even more).

We tried to have a good day that day, but we were all little blue to see Chewy go.

And I was blue for another good reason. My longtime friend and accountability partner moved out-of-state. I was so sad to see her go, because she's held me up during this last year. I couldn't have made it through if not for her gentle, patient ear listening to all I had to say concerning my husband's addiction and how it tore me in two. We'll keep in touch, but you know how it is -- it's that much harder when someone moves away.

Keep me in your prayers that I may find another close friend who will listen to me over a cup of tea.

Taking Inventory

I've been leading an eight week study with John Baker's book Life's Healing Choices. This last week we were on Choice 7:

❝Reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will.❞

Needless to say, it's been a powerful, often times heart wrenching choice, because I have to review my inventory in three different ways -- ways I'd never thought about before in the past. Relapse for anyone struggling with an issue is so easy if we don't learn to recognize it and learn how to pull ourselves back on track.

Maybe you have an addict in your life and are thinking, "I'm not the one who needs help!" The truth is that we all struggle with something that is slowing down our relationship with Christ or bringing it to a complete halt altogether.

Lately, for me, it's been jealousy.

Yes, I know, maybe that doesn't sound too serious, but for me it is. When I struggle with jealousy, it usually means I'm wanting exactly what that other person has and I'll cry and hate the world until I get my way. This week has been particularly bad for me. The other day I collapsed into tears when I heard the good news another friend of mine had to share. I've been working so long to get exactly what she has that immediately I was angry, bitter, hateful, spiteful . . . you name it, that was me!

But here's the thing -- after working through the choices in this book, I instantly recognized my slide back into someone I didn't want to be. I was focusing too much of my energy on this other person and I knew that my bitter mood would lead me no where good. So, the next day, I sat down, did a mental inventory of my behavior and where I needed to be. I dug my heels in and focused on what God has for me, not what he has for somebody else. His still voice has been with me all along in my journey and I had to calm myself and listen to what He was saying.

And you know what He was saying?

"It's my timing, not yours. Remember that."

And I will continue to remember that.

According to Baker's book, hear are the three types of inventory we need to be doing:

1. Spot-check evaluation: Try to deal with that problem immediately. The longer you postpone dealing with it, the worse it gets.
2. Daily review: Find a quiet time at the end of each day to review your failures and victories for the day. 
3. Annual checkup: This is your spring cleaning for the year! Look at your life, see what's in order and what's not, and do some deep cleaning.

Do you struggle with something that you must remember to keep in check? Do you ever take a personal inventory?

The Scorpion

A couple of days ago, I found one. He's not my first, and he most certainly won't be my last.

I'm sorry, but just looking at that thing makes me
a little sick to my stomach!

Around where I live, scorpions are quite common. There are two types that live here, scaring the ever loving crap out of me from time to time, but only one kind seems to enjoy the coolness of our home. So far, this summer alone, I think we've come across at least six of them and every time they make me jump. Earlier this summer, I left a bathrobe on the floor, picked it up, went to wash my hands in the sink, and when I looked up into the mirror, I found one of these "beauties" sitting on my shoulder. Even the neighbors heard me scream that day!

Anyway, back to the last one I found.

He was sitting on the bathroom rug, just as cozy as could be. Luckily, it wasnt' a surprise attack, spotting him long before I could step on him (I've been stung twice and my husband once by these scorpions. Don't worry, unless you're allergic they're not any worse than a bee sting. But still...right?) I trapped him under a glass because, believe it or not, these little suckers are FAST! And very feisty. As soon as that glass went over him, he struck like crazy and totally scared the daylights out of me. I looooathe these things!

I called my husband.

"Slide some cardboard under the glass, flip it over, and dump him in the toilet," he told me.

Okay. I can do this. I told myself.

But every time I touched the glass he struck. I was getting a bit nauseated at that point. Finally, I slipped the cardboard as far as I could on the thick rug before it got stuck. I left the scorpion alone for a while to figure out if he thought the cardboard had a nicer feel than the rug.

I guess he thought it did.

When I came back, he was sitting on the cardboard. I held my breath, shoved the cardboard under, flipped the glass and tossed him into the toilet.

I have never seen a more frantic scorpion in all my life. That thing flailed like crazy because he knew he was drowning. My daughter joined me in the bathroom to watch the death at sea.

And you know what?

Watching that little, nasty creature flail like that made me actually feel sorry for him. Yes, sorry. He'd brought his nasty stinger into my life, because he couldn't do anything else with it. It's not really his fault people hate the sight of him (or the pain), and besides, he's just trying to survive in any cool place he can find. But I had a choice. Do I keep something potentially painful, something that's like a ticking time bomb in my life. It's not his fault he was burdened with a stinger. And was making him drown under the weight and pressure of knowing that people hate him really a nice thing for me to do? Or even...dare I say...loving?

For a scorpion, I say yes. Get rid of the little sucker before he causes you more pain.

But an addict . . .

Knowing when to walk away from a harmful relationship is one of the most painful decisions one must make. And only you know if it's right for you or not.

How much pain do we let control our lives? Eventually, none, but it's a long road getting there.

Too bad that pain isn't as brief as a scorpion's sting . . .

Camping

Last weekend, as a family, we went on our annual camping trip. It's something we look forward to every summer. We have a specific spot we enjoy in the mountains, but some years we try different spots. So, this year we wound our way up the road into the fir and aspen filled mountains where we had planned on camping alongside a lake. We aren't ones to reserve spaces, and when we arrived, the campgrounds were filled.

I thought my daughter was going to hyperventilate, she got so distressed over the fact that we couldn't camp there. After assuring her we would find space at another campsite, she calmed down a bit. And we did find a campsite. A nice, quiet place, until a large clan across the way showed up with their dogs. Even with the irritation of barking dogs waking us up at midnight, we had a relaxing time.

And that's why I camp.

I don't do it because I love two days of griminess building up on my body. I don't go because I just can't get enough of that port-o-potty smell wafting down to our tent. I don't go because I wake up every morning stiff as the tin man needing a little oil in my squeaky joints. I don't do it because I love being on the verge of passing out when we go hiking in high altitudes.

No.

I do it because I love spending time with my family. I enjoy those moments when I sit alongside my husband next to the campfire, saying nothing at all, but comforted by his presence on those dark nights with strangers on either side of us. I enjoy the chill that sends me curling up next to him in our tent. I love seeing the excitement on my daughter's face when she pretends to do her "experiments" with dirt and river water.

And I love the drive home, knowing I'll finally be getting that shower I've been craving for the past two days.

Is there some summer tradition that you made sure you did this summer?

Finding a Place of Peace

I know it's definitely been a while since I've posted. The truth of the matter is that every time I think about sitting down and writing something, I realize I don't have much I want to say. This may surprise some of you out there, but at this moment I've found a place of peace. It even sounds weird to me, saying this. I mean, how do I have peace when certain things in my life are in either a swirl of turmoil or I'm in an unending waiting pattern?

But with my husband's addiction, I have peace for the time being. And I like it. I need it.

It could change. I realize that. But for now I'm going to enjoy it.

Do you have peace right now?

Why Can't I Make Him Change?

You know, it's interesting. I've heard and read many different stories of women who are married to some sort of addict. One woman I know has been in a twenty year relationship with her SA, has gone through the cycle of catching her husband in the lies, listening to him beg for forgiveness, giving in, and carefully moving forward just to end up back in the same cycle.

One woman I know has been married to an alcoholic/drug addict for five years, can't stand the sight of him anymore and has given her ultimatum of divorce.

Another woman I know has traveled down the road of addiction right alongside her alcoholic husband because, she, too, was an alcoholic. Same cycles, threats of divorce, and even kicking him out to live at his sponsor's house for a while. They are both recovered and still married to this day. And, I might add, running a recovery group that deals with the city's worst addicts.

What am I getting at with this?

In every case or instance, most of the women I've met have said that, in the very beginning, they believed their spouse would overcome their addiction, basically by sheer willpower, and they could help them through the process.

First, sheer willpower doesn't work. Gritting your teeth and toughing it out until you believe the cravings have finally subsided never works. Second, pretending to believe as the wife that you are fixing the problem in some way is nothing but co-dependency.

Yes, co-dependecy. We've all heard that word ad-nauseum. Here's the thing though:  we are all co-dependent in some way, shape, or form. If that wasn't the case, then we never would have gotten married in the first place, we would never call our mothers and cry out our tears on their shoulders, heck, we would never give birth to a child. We are not created to be solitary creatures. Even Jesus had his twelve disciples and cried tears of blood when those keeping watch while he prayed, fell asleep. He even felt alone at times.

But sometimes co-dependency is taken to the extreme. Sometimes (and once we learn the extreme signs of co-dependency) we come across someone who suffers from this form of addiction. They worry like crazy. They want to fix every problem around them. They feel the need to comfort everyone going through a difficult time, etc.

Here's the thing, for all of you out there thinking you can fix your spouse's addiction by being that co-dependent in his/her life -- You CAN'T. And you never will. It's as simple as that. Only he/she can hit rock-bottom and realize that he/she needs help.

And it's my belief that, with Christ taking control and the addict handing it over, only He can heal and change the addict. Believe me, I've read and heard countless testimonies of addiction healing through Christ. I've seen the transformations and it is amazing!

Do you show extreme signs of co-dependency? Have you ever thought about talking with someone else to help you through the healing process?

A Blessing in Disguise

For the past two months, I've been leading a group for women who have addicted spouses. We are a small group -- there are only three of us -- but I am so fortunate to have these other two women in my life. They have literally become my blessing in disguise.

The atmosphere in our group is one of openness. We do the work each week, but when God places a particularly trying time on our hearts, we have the freedom to talk through it. And the others listen. I don't know about you, but I've needed someone to just simply listen to me for a long time. And not just saying what they want to hear -- sugar coating my circumstances -- but literally spilling my guts and feeling safe to do so.

My hope is that our group grows and that other women struggling through similar experiences will come and join us. This is my prayer for our small group.

So, my question for you is do you have a safe haven where you can speak what's on your heart and divulge your pain to a listening ear without someone trying to fix your situation for you? I hope so!

Accountability Partners — They're Not Just For Addicts

I think many of us, when it comes to the idea of an accountability partner, then we think those are for either addicts or people who have some real troubling issues they need to share. The fact of the matter is that we all need an accountability partner -- someone who is trustworthy and there to talk to and, most importantly, hold us accountable for out actions.

I've been involved in an eight week study where I'm learning to heal from the hurt I've been struggling through the past couple of years. What I've learned is that my pain from my husband's addiction isn't the only thing holding me back from moving on. I've also discovered I need to deal with pain from other past relationships, most of them dealing with family members and resentment or animosity I still hold towards them. And, so, I found out I really did need an accountability partner to spill my guts to and get all the hurt out of my system.

When looking for an accountability partner, here are the things I've learned*:

• Having an accountability partner is Biblical -- Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 tells us, "Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively. If one of them falls down, the other can help him up. But if someone is alone . . ., there is no one to help him . . . Two men can resist an attack that would defeat one man along." And Proverbs 27:17 tells us, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
• Does your accountability partner's walk match his/her talk? -- Many peoples' lifestyles fail to match up with what they profess to believe to be true. Be sure that the person you choose as an accountability partner is someone whose life example is worthy of imitation. No one wants someone who will only lead them astray.
• Does he/she express the desire to help others on the road to healing? -- There is a difference between helping others and trying to fix others. We all need to be careful to guard this relationship from becoming unhealthy and codependent.
• Does he/she show compassion, care, and hope but not pity? -- You don't need someone to feel sorry for you, but you do need someone to be sensitive to your pain.
• Is he/she a good listener? -- Does your accountability partner honestly care about what you have to say?
• Does he/she offer suggestions? -- Of course, they're not supposed to fix us, but does this person offer help in seeing options or alternatives that we are unable to find on our own?
• Can he/she share his/her current struggles with others? -- Your accountability partner should be able to open up and be vulnerable in return.

In the end, what you need is someone who will encourage you to heal. You don't want to tell the world your problems, but you do need that one other person willing to listen to all you have to say and be able to share his/her story in return.

Do you have an accountability partner? Do you have any tips for someone searching for just the right accountability partner?

*These points were taken from Celebrate Recovery's fourth step.

What Technology Is Teaching Us

Not the most optimal
 device when
it comes to hiding secrets.

Not more than a few months ago, the Kindle Fire came on the market and began selling like hotcakes. I found this article (which strangely enough is no longer available for viewing) a few months back bemoaning some of the downsides to the product. Here are a few quotes I've taken from the article concerning some of the drawbacks to the Kindle Fire:

❝The Kindle Fire, Amazon’s heavily promoted tablet, is less than a blazing success with many of its early users. The most disgruntled are packing the device up and firing it back to the retailer.A few of their many complaints: there is no external volume control. The off switch is easy to hit by accident. Web pages take a long time to load. There is no privacy on the device; a spouse or child who picks it up will instantly know everything you have been doing.There will be improvements in performance and multitouch navigation, and customers will have the option of editing the list of items that show what they have recently been doing. No more will wives wonder why their husbands were looking at a dating site when they said they were playing Angry Birds.❞

After reading this article, I began to wonder: What is technology teaching us? That a device most certainly needs to be created so it's compatible with hiding the truth from our spouses.

Reading this made me just a little be angry and sad.

What do you think? What is technology teaching us? (Or perhaps it's just the big communication companies saying that if you need to cheat online at least they've created a failsafe method so your wife and kids don't find out.)

Training the Eyes and Heart

In a world full of enticing advertisements, sexy women on the big screen, and plenty of women breaking out the skimpy clothing for those long, hot summer months ahead, is it any wonder a man's eyes stray? I most certainly don't condone the stray glances of a man's eyes, nor do I condone the schoolboy chuckles when a man see's something particularly tantalizing. But how does a man, caught in an endless cycle of society's version of soft porn, get away from the smorgasbord displayed before him? We want him to heal. He wants to heal. And we want to get to a better place relationship-wise. But how does he get from the evils of point A to the freedom of point B?

He must learn to train the eyes and heart.

Perhaps you might think this to be an impossible feat, but in my own experience I know that my husband would never be able to make it through retraining what he lingers on if not for the grace of God and God's strength in his recovery. It has most certainly been a painful process for both of us. There have been starts and stops. There has been a relapse. There have been tears and anger and yelling and nights of me just lying awake in bed wondering when all the madness will stop. And praying that the madness will stop.

Because that's what addiction becomes to the addict.

A cycle of madness.

The madness only stops when he soulfully seeks the help he needs and starts his journey to let God take over the hurts, hang-ups, and painful habits hindering his life. Perhaps he needs to hit the bottom before the fog lifts and he realizes that now is the time to retrain what he'd been thinking, envisioning, dwelling on, holding tight to all along.

And maybe he's learned that if he doesn't start now, he will lose all those who've loved him throughout his downward spiral into his own destructive self-gratification.

But then again, perhaps not.

Do you believe an addict can learn to retrain his eyes and heart when it comes to the things that he lusts after or craves on a daily basis?

A New Challenge

I know I haven't been very consistent with the blogging here, but I'm going to try and play a little catch-up. Life has been pretty busy lately, with so much going on that my head hurts at times. I've had bits of good news (one of my other blogs won a state writing award!) and bits of challenging news (my daughter is going in for some educational testing). I spent a weekend researching in the city where my latest novel takes place (always fun, but it most certainly makes my brain work) and I've spent time planning an upcoming trip with my family.

In all of this swirl of activity, I decided to take on a new challenge, and I love a new challenge. Ever since my husband has been in recovery, I've been seeking out venues for women married to addicts. I've also been praying that the recovery group my husband attends would be interested in implementing a program for such women.

And lo and behold, my prayers were answered!

The leader of my husband's recovery program approached me with an idea and the study guides to go along with it. This small group will be for women like me -- those feeling left out in the cold when it comes to putting the pieces of a fractured relationship back together. I wasn't sure if there would be much interest, especially since my husband attends a smaller recovery group than some of the other ones in the area, but right off the bat there are four women who want to attend. Four women! When I thought I was the only one struggling to make sense of what is going on in my life!

I don't know if this program will take off and grow (I'll certainly be praying it will!), but I know that this is something I NEED and have needed for a long while. And it's obvious there are other women who need this group as well. This will be a place where it will be safe to express our heartache and how we're dealing with the rocky road, and often times slippery slope, of our spouse's (or family member's) addiction.

When I'm crying on the inside for someone to hear me, I always remember that God does, and many times he reveals to me the path I should take. This new group has become that path.

Moving Forward

My husband's sexual addiction has always been pornography. Just recently, I listened to him give his testimony for the first time, and although I've heard most of where his addiction stems from and what he did as he spiraled deeper and deeper into a hole, it still came as such a revelation to me. Here is a man, that ten years ago I had taken his hand in marriage and yet, we were such strangers in the beginning. When you marry young and aren't exposed to much addiction the way I was, then you have a hard time grasping what is going on in that person's mind. I'm glad I listened to his testimony. He took a large leap of faith by speaking before our Wed. young married group to people he barely knew (we are new to our church) and yet it felt like the most right thing in the world for him to do. He was scared of other church goers' judgement, but knew he had to take this step of faith and be obedient. We constantly say, "Don't be judgmental," but I have yet to meet someone who has never judged another in his/her life. We are human. It is what we do.

He walked away that night feeling he'd done what God had spoken to him to do, and I agreed. Two other women struggling with addiction spoke with him afterwards and he gave them some information on places they could go to in order to work on their addictions. What's interesting in this whole scenario is that not one man raised a hand, came forward, or spoke to my husband about struggling, and yet we know that many many men struggle with some form of sexual addiction. And there's a reason why this happened. Men most likely will not divulge this hidden secret unless finally caught. It's that simple. How heartbroken were you when you realized your spouse or significant other was hiding this ugly secret? And for so many years? Perhaps you were like me, living the Christian life and thinking everything was going along just fine, until BAM you look into his web browser history, notice an article of clothing that isn't yours, take a phone call on your husband's phone only to find it's a female voice you don't recognize, or happen to see emails from a questionable address.

The sickness in the pit of your stomach moves in and you know. You know things aren't right, nor will they ever be the same in your marriage or relationship again.

But you can move forward. You have to. Moving forward starts the healing process and that's what every unsuspecting victim needs. Healing.

Forgiveness

To many of us struggling to get through and understand another's addiction, forgiveness sounds like a dirty word. Here's the thing, though -- if we never forgive, then in the end the only person we're really hurting is ourselves.

At some point, we want to be loosed from our chains of unforgiveness, depression, hate, anger, and hurt. But how do we move beyond all those emotions roiling inside us? A few years back, I was in a very damaging auto accident. The psychiatrist who made the rounds and spoke with patients after traumatic experiences explained to me what I was feeling and experiencing. When our bodies incur trauma, we go through the same steps of grief that we would if we'd lost a loved one. At the time, I couldn't seem to wrap my head around that, but in retrospect, I see what he means. The same has happened when it comes to hitting the low of my husband's addiction.

Here are the Seven Stages of Grief:

1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Acceptance and Hope

Personally, I feel I'm somewhere between The Upward Turn and Acceptance and Hope. I've learned to forgive my husband for his actions, but still, I'm apprehensive as to how his recovery is holding up at times. It's hard for me as the spouse, because only he and God understand the inner workings of his mind. Right now, he's on a good path. But do I worry a little about the road ahead? Sure. And I'm sure you do too.

Looking at the Seven Stages of Grief, where would you say you are in your journey of healing and forgiveness?

Repercussions

I've been away from the blogging for a while, mainly because I needed a little down time after the craziness of the holidays. Family time and travel always wears me out. I've also been busy with different writing projects and trying to keep on top of my other two blogs. Sometimes I feel like I'm writing, writing, writing all the time, so a break every now and again really helps. But in all, I've been doing pretty well. At least, considering the circumstances.

And these are the circumstances:  Last week, my husband had to - in less than more eloquent terms - face the music for his misconduct at work. If you've read any of my other posts, then you know that about four months ago he relapsed and spent a few days looking at things online that are completely prohibited at work. Since he works in a high security environment, everything he does is monitored. Of course this means that when he does wrong, he is immediately found out. It's taken the last four months for his superiors to investigate, convene, and hand down a ruling as to his punishment.

And here it is - *deep breath* - two weeks suspension without pay. I knew this was coming, but at the same time it was a little hard to swallow. The good that's come out of all of this is two-fold. My husband's recovery and testimony have become very important to him. He has three different sponsors/accountability partners who have helped him every step of the way through the last year, but especially through the last four months. The second good is that our relationship has been healing. I feel it every day. The wound no longer bleeds as excessively as it once did and it's amazing the depth our relationship has garnered since his relapse. And quite honestly, with the final punishment in place, I feel God has lifted much of the fatigue and weight from my shoulders.

Every day, every week, every month, every year is still a long journey - steps that we take slowly. The interesting thing about his workplace investigation into his actions, because of what he did and the fact that he was completely honest with the investigators and his superiors, is that they have now launched ten more investigative cases into ten other men's careers and lives at his workplace. The sad reality is that my husband's actions are not rare and are becoming more frequent in any given workplace environment. He just happened to get caught. But once the lie and the sin are brought into the bright shining light of day, it's very hard to hide them anymore. And I'm glad he can't hide them. And so is he.

Are there any repercussions your spouse or significant other has had to face for his/her actions?