Finding a Place of Peace

I know it's definitely been a while since I've posted. The truth of the matter is that every time I think about sitting down and writing something, I realize I don't have much I want to say. This may surprise some of you out there, but at this moment I've found a place of peace. It even sounds weird to me, saying this. I mean, how do I have peace when certain things in my life are in either a swirl of turmoil or I'm in an unending waiting pattern?

But with my husband's addiction, I have peace for the time being. And I like it. I need it.

It could change. I realize that. But for now I'm going to enjoy it.

Do you have peace right now?

Why Can't I Make Him Change?

You know, it's interesting. I've heard and read many different stories of women who are married to some sort of addict. One woman I know has been in a twenty year relationship with her SA, has gone through the cycle of catching her husband in the lies, listening to him beg for forgiveness, giving in, and carefully moving forward just to end up back in the same cycle.

One woman I know has been married to an alcoholic/drug addict for five years, can't stand the sight of him anymore and has given her ultimatum of divorce.

Another woman I know has traveled down the road of addiction right alongside her alcoholic husband because, she, too, was an alcoholic. Same cycles, threats of divorce, and even kicking him out to live at his sponsor's house for a while. They are both recovered and still married to this day. And, I might add, running a recovery group that deals with the city's worst addicts.

What am I getting at with this?

In every case or instance, most of the women I've met have said that, in the very beginning, they believed their spouse would overcome their addiction, basically by sheer willpower, and they could help them through the process.

First, sheer willpower doesn't work. Gritting your teeth and toughing it out until you believe the cravings have finally subsided never works. Second, pretending to believe as the wife that you are fixing the problem in some way is nothing but co-dependency.

Yes, co-dependecy. We've all heard that word ad-nauseum. Here's the thing though:  we are all co-dependent in some way, shape, or form. If that wasn't the case, then we never would have gotten married in the first place, we would never call our mothers and cry out our tears on their shoulders, heck, we would never give birth to a child. We are not created to be solitary creatures. Even Jesus had his twelve disciples and cried tears of blood when those keeping watch while he prayed, fell asleep. He even felt alone at times.

But sometimes co-dependency is taken to the extreme. Sometimes (and once we learn the extreme signs of co-dependency) we come across someone who suffers from this form of addiction. They worry like crazy. They want to fix every problem around them. They feel the need to comfort everyone going through a difficult time, etc.

Here's the thing, for all of you out there thinking you can fix your spouse's addiction by being that co-dependent in his/her life -- You CAN'T. And you never will. It's as simple as that. Only he/she can hit rock-bottom and realize that he/she needs help.

And it's my belief that, with Christ taking control and the addict handing it over, only He can heal and change the addict. Believe me, I've read and heard countless testimonies of addiction healing through Christ. I've seen the transformations and it is amazing!

Do you show extreme signs of co-dependency? Have you ever thought about talking with someone else to help you through the healing process?

A Blessing in Disguise

For the past two months, I've been leading a group for women who have addicted spouses. We are a small group -- there are only three of us -- but I am so fortunate to have these other two women in my life. They have literally become my blessing in disguise.

The atmosphere in our group is one of openness. We do the work each week, but when God places a particularly trying time on our hearts, we have the freedom to talk through it. And the others listen. I don't know about you, but I've needed someone to just simply listen to me for a long time. And not just saying what they want to hear -- sugar coating my circumstances -- but literally spilling my guts and feeling safe to do so.

My hope is that our group grows and that other women struggling through similar experiences will come and join us. This is my prayer for our small group.

So, my question for you is do you have a safe haven where you can speak what's on your heart and divulge your pain to a listening ear without someone trying to fix your situation for you? I hope so!

Accountability Partners — They're Not Just For Addicts

I think many of us, when it comes to the idea of an accountability partner, then we think those are for either addicts or people who have some real troubling issues they need to share. The fact of the matter is that we all need an accountability partner -- someone who is trustworthy and there to talk to and, most importantly, hold us accountable for out actions.

I've been involved in an eight week study where I'm learning to heal from the hurt I've been struggling through the past couple of years. What I've learned is that my pain from my husband's addiction isn't the only thing holding me back from moving on. I've also discovered I need to deal with pain from other past relationships, most of them dealing with family members and resentment or animosity I still hold towards them. And, so, I found out I really did need an accountability partner to spill my guts to and get all the hurt out of my system.

When looking for an accountability partner, here are the things I've learned*:

• Having an accountability partner is Biblical -- Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 tells us, "Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively. If one of them falls down, the other can help him up. But if someone is alone . . ., there is no one to help him . . . Two men can resist an attack that would defeat one man along." And Proverbs 27:17 tells us, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
• Does your accountability partner's walk match his/her talk? -- Many peoples' lifestyles fail to match up with what they profess to believe to be true. Be sure that the person you choose as an accountability partner is someone whose life example is worthy of imitation. No one wants someone who will only lead them astray.
• Does he/she express the desire to help others on the road to healing? -- There is a difference between helping others and trying to fix others. We all need to be careful to guard this relationship from becoming unhealthy and codependent.
• Does he/she show compassion, care, and hope but not pity? -- You don't need someone to feel sorry for you, but you do need someone to be sensitive to your pain.
• Is he/she a good listener? -- Does your accountability partner honestly care about what you have to say?
• Does he/she offer suggestions? -- Of course, they're not supposed to fix us, but does this person offer help in seeing options or alternatives that we are unable to find on our own?
• Can he/she share his/her current struggles with others? -- Your accountability partner should be able to open up and be vulnerable in return.

In the end, what you need is someone who will encourage you to heal. You don't want to tell the world your problems, but you do need that one other person willing to listen to all you have to say and be able to share his/her story in return.

Do you have an accountability partner? Do you have any tips for someone searching for just the right accountability partner?

*These points were taken from Celebrate Recovery's fourth step.

What Technology Is Teaching Us

Not the most optimal
 device when
it comes to hiding secrets.

Not more than a few months ago, the Kindle Fire came on the market and began selling like hotcakes. I found this article (which strangely enough is no longer available for viewing) a few months back bemoaning some of the downsides to the product. Here are a few quotes I've taken from the article concerning some of the drawbacks to the Kindle Fire:

❝The Kindle Fire, Amazon’s heavily promoted tablet, is less than a blazing success with many of its early users. The most disgruntled are packing the device up and firing it back to the retailer.A few of their many complaints: there is no external volume control. The off switch is easy to hit by accident. Web pages take a long time to load. There is no privacy on the device; a spouse or child who picks it up will instantly know everything you have been doing.There will be improvements in performance and multitouch navigation, and customers will have the option of editing the list of items that show what they have recently been doing. No more will wives wonder why their husbands were looking at a dating site when they said they were playing Angry Birds.❞

After reading this article, I began to wonder: What is technology teaching us? That a device most certainly needs to be created so it's compatible with hiding the truth from our spouses.

Reading this made me just a little be angry and sad.

What do you think? What is technology teaching us? (Or perhaps it's just the big communication companies saying that if you need to cheat online at least they've created a failsafe method so your wife and kids don't find out.)

Training the Eyes and Heart

In a world full of enticing advertisements, sexy women on the big screen, and plenty of women breaking out the skimpy clothing for those long, hot summer months ahead, is it any wonder a man's eyes stray? I most certainly don't condone the stray glances of a man's eyes, nor do I condone the schoolboy chuckles when a man see's something particularly tantalizing. But how does a man, caught in an endless cycle of society's version of soft porn, get away from the smorgasbord displayed before him? We want him to heal. He wants to heal. And we want to get to a better place relationship-wise. But how does he get from the evils of point A to the freedom of point B?

He must learn to train the eyes and heart.

Perhaps you might think this to be an impossible feat, but in my own experience I know that my husband would never be able to make it through retraining what he lingers on if not for the grace of God and God's strength in his recovery. It has most certainly been a painful process for both of us. There have been starts and stops. There has been a relapse. There have been tears and anger and yelling and nights of me just lying awake in bed wondering when all the madness will stop. And praying that the madness will stop.

Because that's what addiction becomes to the addict.

A cycle of madness.

The madness only stops when he soulfully seeks the help he needs and starts his journey to let God take over the hurts, hang-ups, and painful habits hindering his life. Perhaps he needs to hit the bottom before the fog lifts and he realizes that now is the time to retrain what he'd been thinking, envisioning, dwelling on, holding tight to all along.

And maybe he's learned that if he doesn't start now, he will lose all those who've loved him throughout his downward spiral into his own destructive self-gratification.

But then again, perhaps not.

Do you believe an addict can learn to retrain his eyes and heart when it comes to the things that he lusts after or craves on a daily basis?

A New Challenge

I know I haven't been very consistent with the blogging here, but I'm going to try and play a little catch-up. Life has been pretty busy lately, with so much going on that my head hurts at times. I've had bits of good news (one of my other blogs won a state writing award!) and bits of challenging news (my daughter is going in for some educational testing). I spent a weekend researching in the city where my latest novel takes place (always fun, but it most certainly makes my brain work) and I've spent time planning an upcoming trip with my family.

In all of this swirl of activity, I decided to take on a new challenge, and I love a new challenge. Ever since my husband has been in recovery, I've been seeking out venues for women married to addicts. I've also been praying that the recovery group my husband attends would be interested in implementing a program for such women.

And lo and behold, my prayers were answered!

The leader of my husband's recovery program approached me with an idea and the study guides to go along with it. This small group will be for women like me -- those feeling left out in the cold when it comes to putting the pieces of a fractured relationship back together. I wasn't sure if there would be much interest, especially since my husband attends a smaller recovery group than some of the other ones in the area, but right off the bat there are four women who want to attend. Four women! When I thought I was the only one struggling to make sense of what is going on in my life!

I don't know if this program will take off and grow (I'll certainly be praying it will!), but I know that this is something I NEED and have needed for a long while. And it's obvious there are other women who need this group as well. This will be a place where it will be safe to express our heartache and how we're dealing with the rocky road, and often times slippery slope, of our spouse's (or family member's) addiction.

When I'm crying on the inside for someone to hear me, I always remember that God does, and many times he reveals to me the path I should take. This new group has become that path.