Taking Inventory

I've been leading an eight week study with John Baker's book Life's Healing Choices. This last week we were on Choice 7:

❝Reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will.❞

Needless to say, it's been a powerful, often times heart wrenching choice, because I have to review my inventory in three different ways -- ways I'd never thought about before in the past. Relapse for anyone struggling with an issue is so easy if we don't learn to recognize it and learn how to pull ourselves back on track.

Maybe you have an addict in your life and are thinking, "I'm not the one who needs help!" The truth is that we all struggle with something that is slowing down our relationship with Christ or bringing it to a complete halt altogether.

Lately, for me, it's been jealousy.

Yes, I know, maybe that doesn't sound too serious, but for me it is. When I struggle with jealousy, it usually means I'm wanting exactly what that other person has and I'll cry and hate the world until I get my way. This week has been particularly bad for me. The other day I collapsed into tears when I heard the good news another friend of mine had to share. I've been working so long to get exactly what she has that immediately I was angry, bitter, hateful, spiteful . . . you name it, that was me!

But here's the thing -- after working through the choices in this book, I instantly recognized my slide back into someone I didn't want to be. I was focusing too much of my energy on this other person and I knew that my bitter mood would lead me no where good. So, the next day, I sat down, did a mental inventory of my behavior and where I needed to be. I dug my heels in and focused on what God has for me, not what he has for somebody else. His still voice has been with me all along in my journey and I had to calm myself and listen to what He was saying.

And you know what He was saying?

"It's my timing, not yours. Remember that."

And I will continue to remember that.

According to Baker's book, hear are the three types of inventory we need to be doing:

1. Spot-check evaluation: Try to deal with that problem immediately. The longer you postpone dealing with it, the worse it gets.
2. Daily review: Find a quiet time at the end of each day to review your failures and victories for the day. 
3. Annual checkup: This is your spring cleaning for the year! Look at your life, see what's in order and what's not, and do some deep cleaning.

Do you struggle with something that you must remember to keep in check? Do you ever take a personal inventory?

The Scorpion

A couple of days ago, I found one. He's not my first, and he most certainly won't be my last.

I'm sorry, but just looking at that thing makes me
a little sick to my stomach!

Around where I live, scorpions are quite common. There are two types that live here, scaring the ever loving crap out of me from time to time, but only one kind seems to enjoy the coolness of our home. So far, this summer alone, I think we've come across at least six of them and every time they make me jump. Earlier this summer, I left a bathrobe on the floor, picked it up, went to wash my hands in the sink, and when I looked up into the mirror, I found one of these "beauties" sitting on my shoulder. Even the neighbors heard me scream that day!

Anyway, back to the last one I found.

He was sitting on the bathroom rug, just as cozy as could be. Luckily, it wasnt' a surprise attack, spotting him long before I could step on him (I've been stung twice and my husband once by these scorpions. Don't worry, unless you're allergic they're not any worse than a bee sting. But still...right?) I trapped him under a glass because, believe it or not, these little suckers are FAST! And very feisty. As soon as that glass went over him, he struck like crazy and totally scared the daylights out of me. I looooathe these things!

I called my husband.

"Slide some cardboard under the glass, flip it over, and dump him in the toilet," he told me.

Okay. I can do this. I told myself.

But every time I touched the glass he struck. I was getting a bit nauseated at that point. Finally, I slipped the cardboard as far as I could on the thick rug before it got stuck. I left the scorpion alone for a while to figure out if he thought the cardboard had a nicer feel than the rug.

I guess he thought it did.

When I came back, he was sitting on the cardboard. I held my breath, shoved the cardboard under, flipped the glass and tossed him into the toilet.

I have never seen a more frantic scorpion in all my life. That thing flailed like crazy because he knew he was drowning. My daughter joined me in the bathroom to watch the death at sea.

And you know what?

Watching that little, nasty creature flail like that made me actually feel sorry for him. Yes, sorry. He'd brought his nasty stinger into my life, because he couldn't do anything else with it. It's not really his fault people hate the sight of him (or the pain), and besides, he's just trying to survive in any cool place he can find. But I had a choice. Do I keep something potentially painful, something that's like a ticking time bomb in my life. It's not his fault he was burdened with a stinger. And was making him drown under the weight and pressure of knowing that people hate him really a nice thing for me to do? Or even...dare I say...loving?

For a scorpion, I say yes. Get rid of the little sucker before he causes you more pain.

But an addict . . .

Knowing when to walk away from a harmful relationship is one of the most painful decisions one must make. And only you know if it's right for you or not.

How much pain do we let control our lives? Eventually, none, but it's a long road getting there.

Too bad that pain isn't as brief as a scorpion's sting . . .

Camping

Last weekend, as a family, we went on our annual camping trip. It's something we look forward to every summer. We have a specific spot we enjoy in the mountains, but some years we try different spots. So, this year we wound our way up the road into the fir and aspen filled mountains where we had planned on camping alongside a lake. We aren't ones to reserve spaces, and when we arrived, the campgrounds were filled.

I thought my daughter was going to hyperventilate, she got so distressed over the fact that we couldn't camp there. After assuring her we would find space at another campsite, she calmed down a bit. And we did find a campsite. A nice, quiet place, until a large clan across the way showed up with their dogs. Even with the irritation of barking dogs waking us up at midnight, we had a relaxing time.

And that's why I camp.

I don't do it because I love two days of griminess building up on my body. I don't go because I just can't get enough of that port-o-potty smell wafting down to our tent. I don't go because I wake up every morning stiff as the tin man needing a little oil in my squeaky joints. I don't do it because I love being on the verge of passing out when we go hiking in high altitudes.

No.

I do it because I love spending time with my family. I enjoy those moments when I sit alongside my husband next to the campfire, saying nothing at all, but comforted by his presence on those dark nights with strangers on either side of us. I enjoy the chill that sends me curling up next to him in our tent. I love seeing the excitement on my daughter's face when she pretends to do her "experiments" with dirt and river water.

And I love the drive home, knowing I'll finally be getting that shower I've been craving for the past two days.

Is there some summer tradition that you made sure you did this summer?

Finding a Place of Peace

I know it's definitely been a while since I've posted. The truth of the matter is that every time I think about sitting down and writing something, I realize I don't have much I want to say. This may surprise some of you out there, but at this moment I've found a place of peace. It even sounds weird to me, saying this. I mean, how do I have peace when certain things in my life are in either a swirl of turmoil or I'm in an unending waiting pattern?

But with my husband's addiction, I have peace for the time being. And I like it. I need it.

It could change. I realize that. But for now I'm going to enjoy it.

Do you have peace right now?

Why Can't I Make Him Change?

You know, it's interesting. I've heard and read many different stories of women who are married to some sort of addict. One woman I know has been in a twenty year relationship with her SA, has gone through the cycle of catching her husband in the lies, listening to him beg for forgiveness, giving in, and carefully moving forward just to end up back in the same cycle.

One woman I know has been married to an alcoholic/drug addict for five years, can't stand the sight of him anymore and has given her ultimatum of divorce.

Another woman I know has traveled down the road of addiction right alongside her alcoholic husband because, she, too, was an alcoholic. Same cycles, threats of divorce, and even kicking him out to live at his sponsor's house for a while. They are both recovered and still married to this day. And, I might add, running a recovery group that deals with the city's worst addicts.

What am I getting at with this?

In every case or instance, most of the women I've met have said that, in the very beginning, they believed their spouse would overcome their addiction, basically by sheer willpower, and they could help them through the process.

First, sheer willpower doesn't work. Gritting your teeth and toughing it out until you believe the cravings have finally subsided never works. Second, pretending to believe as the wife that you are fixing the problem in some way is nothing but co-dependency.

Yes, co-dependecy. We've all heard that word ad-nauseum. Here's the thing though:  we are all co-dependent in some way, shape, or form. If that wasn't the case, then we never would have gotten married in the first place, we would never call our mothers and cry out our tears on their shoulders, heck, we would never give birth to a child. We are not created to be solitary creatures. Even Jesus had his twelve disciples and cried tears of blood when those keeping watch while he prayed, fell asleep. He even felt alone at times.

But sometimes co-dependency is taken to the extreme. Sometimes (and once we learn the extreme signs of co-dependency) we come across someone who suffers from this form of addiction. They worry like crazy. They want to fix every problem around them. They feel the need to comfort everyone going through a difficult time, etc.

Here's the thing, for all of you out there thinking you can fix your spouse's addiction by being that co-dependent in his/her life -- You CAN'T. And you never will. It's as simple as that. Only he/she can hit rock-bottom and realize that he/she needs help.

And it's my belief that, with Christ taking control and the addict handing it over, only He can heal and change the addict. Believe me, I've read and heard countless testimonies of addiction healing through Christ. I've seen the transformations and it is amazing!

Do you show extreme signs of co-dependency? Have you ever thought about talking with someone else to help you through the healing process?

A Blessing in Disguise

For the past two months, I've been leading a group for women who have addicted spouses. We are a small group -- there are only three of us -- but I am so fortunate to have these other two women in my life. They have literally become my blessing in disguise.

The atmosphere in our group is one of openness. We do the work each week, but when God places a particularly trying time on our hearts, we have the freedom to talk through it. And the others listen. I don't know about you, but I've needed someone to just simply listen to me for a long time. And not just saying what they want to hear -- sugar coating my circumstances -- but literally spilling my guts and feeling safe to do so.

My hope is that our group grows and that other women struggling through similar experiences will come and join us. This is my prayer for our small group.

So, my question for you is do you have a safe haven where you can speak what's on your heart and divulge your pain to a listening ear without someone trying to fix your situation for you? I hope so!

Accountability Partners — They're Not Just For Addicts

I think many of us, when it comes to the idea of an accountability partner, then we think those are for either addicts or people who have some real troubling issues they need to share. The fact of the matter is that we all need an accountability partner -- someone who is trustworthy and there to talk to and, most importantly, hold us accountable for out actions.

I've been involved in an eight week study where I'm learning to heal from the hurt I've been struggling through the past couple of years. What I've learned is that my pain from my husband's addiction isn't the only thing holding me back from moving on. I've also discovered I need to deal with pain from other past relationships, most of them dealing with family members and resentment or animosity I still hold towards them. And, so, I found out I really did need an accountability partner to spill my guts to and get all the hurt out of my system.

When looking for an accountability partner, here are the things I've learned*:

• Having an accountability partner is Biblical -- Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 tells us, "Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively. If one of them falls down, the other can help him up. But if someone is alone . . ., there is no one to help him . . . Two men can resist an attack that would defeat one man along." And Proverbs 27:17 tells us, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
• Does your accountability partner's walk match his/her talk? -- Many peoples' lifestyles fail to match up with what they profess to believe to be true. Be sure that the person you choose as an accountability partner is someone whose life example is worthy of imitation. No one wants someone who will only lead them astray.
• Does he/she express the desire to help others on the road to healing? -- There is a difference between helping others and trying to fix others. We all need to be careful to guard this relationship from becoming unhealthy and codependent.
• Does he/she show compassion, care, and hope but not pity? -- You don't need someone to feel sorry for you, but you do need someone to be sensitive to your pain.
• Is he/she a good listener? -- Does your accountability partner honestly care about what you have to say?
• Does he/she offer suggestions? -- Of course, they're not supposed to fix us, but does this person offer help in seeing options or alternatives that we are unable to find on our own?
• Can he/she share his/her current struggles with others? -- Your accountability partner should be able to open up and be vulnerable in return.

In the end, what you need is someone who will encourage you to heal. You don't want to tell the world your problems, but you do need that one other person willing to listen to all you have to say and be able to share his/her story in return.

Do you have an accountability partner? Do you have any tips for someone searching for just the right accountability partner?

*These points were taken from Celebrate Recovery's fourth step.