A New Challenge

I know I haven't been very consistent with the blogging here, but I'm going to try and play a little catch-up. Life has been pretty busy lately, with so much going on that my head hurts at times. I've had bits of good news (one of my other blogs won a state writing award!) and bits of challenging news (my daughter is going in for some educational testing). I spent a weekend researching in the city where my latest novel takes place (always fun, but it most certainly makes my brain work) and I've spent time planning an upcoming trip with my family.

In all of this swirl of activity, I decided to take on a new challenge, and I love a new challenge. Ever since my husband has been in recovery, I've been seeking out venues for women married to addicts. I've also been praying that the recovery group my husband attends would be interested in implementing a program for such women.

And lo and behold, my prayers were answered!

The leader of my husband's recovery program approached me with an idea and the study guides to go along with it. This small group will be for women like me -- those feeling left out in the cold when it comes to putting the pieces of a fractured relationship back together. I wasn't sure if there would be much interest, especially since my husband attends a smaller recovery group than some of the other ones in the area, but right off the bat there are four women who want to attend. Four women! When I thought I was the only one struggling to make sense of what is going on in my life!

I don't know if this program will take off and grow (I'll certainly be praying it will!), but I know that this is something I NEED and have needed for a long while. And it's obvious there are other women who need this group as well. This will be a place where it will be safe to express our heartache and how we're dealing with the rocky road, and often times slippery slope, of our spouse's (or family member's) addiction.

When I'm crying on the inside for someone to hear me, I always remember that God does, and many times he reveals to me the path I should take. This new group has become that path.

Moving Forward

My husband's sexual addiction has always been pornography. Just recently, I listened to him give his testimony for the first time, and although I've heard most of where his addiction stems from and what he did as he spiraled deeper and deeper into a hole, it still came as such a revelation to me. Here is a man, that ten years ago I had taken his hand in marriage and yet, we were such strangers in the beginning. When you marry young and aren't exposed to much addiction the way I was, then you have a hard time grasping what is going on in that person's mind. I'm glad I listened to his testimony. He took a large leap of faith by speaking before our Wed. young married group to people he barely knew (we are new to our church) and yet it felt like the most right thing in the world for him to do. He was scared of other church goers' judgement, but knew he had to take this step of faith and be obedient. We constantly say, "Don't be judgmental," but I have yet to meet someone who has never judged another in his/her life. We are human. It is what we do.

He walked away that night feeling he'd done what God had spoken to him to do, and I agreed. Two other women struggling with addiction spoke with him afterwards and he gave them some information on places they could go to in order to work on their addictions. What's interesting in this whole scenario is that not one man raised a hand, came forward, or spoke to my husband about struggling, and yet we know that many many men struggle with some form of sexual addiction. And there's a reason why this happened. Men most likely will not divulge this hidden secret unless finally caught. It's that simple. How heartbroken were you when you realized your spouse or significant other was hiding this ugly secret? And for so many years? Perhaps you were like me, living the Christian life and thinking everything was going along just fine, until BAM you look into his web browser history, notice an article of clothing that isn't yours, take a phone call on your husband's phone only to find it's a female voice you don't recognize, or happen to see emails from a questionable address.

The sickness in the pit of your stomach moves in and you know. You know things aren't right, nor will they ever be the same in your marriage or relationship again.

But you can move forward. You have to. Moving forward starts the healing process and that's what every unsuspecting victim needs. Healing.

Forgiveness

To many of us struggling to get through and understand another's addiction, forgiveness sounds like a dirty word. Here's the thing, though -- if we never forgive, then in the end the only person we're really hurting is ourselves.

At some point, we want to be loosed from our chains of unforgiveness, depression, hate, anger, and hurt. But how do we move beyond all those emotions roiling inside us? A few years back, I was in a very damaging auto accident. The psychiatrist who made the rounds and spoke with patients after traumatic experiences explained to me what I was feeling and experiencing. When our bodies incur trauma, we go through the same steps of grief that we would if we'd lost a loved one. At the time, I couldn't seem to wrap my head around that, but in retrospect, I see what he means. The same has happened when it comes to hitting the low of my husband's addiction.

Here are the Seven Stages of Grief:

1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Acceptance and Hope

Personally, I feel I'm somewhere between The Upward Turn and Acceptance and Hope. I've learned to forgive my husband for his actions, but still, I'm apprehensive as to how his recovery is holding up at times. It's hard for me as the spouse, because only he and God understand the inner workings of his mind. Right now, he's on a good path. But do I worry a little about the road ahead? Sure. And I'm sure you do too.

Looking at the Seven Stages of Grief, where would you say you are in your journey of healing and forgiveness?

Repercussions

I've been away from the blogging for a while, mainly because I needed a little down time after the craziness of the holidays. Family time and travel always wears me out. I've also been busy with different writing projects and trying to keep on top of my other two blogs. Sometimes I feel like I'm writing, writing, writing all the time, so a break every now and again really helps. But in all, I've been doing pretty well. At least, considering the circumstances.

And these are the circumstances:  Last week, my husband had to - in less than more eloquent terms - face the music for his misconduct at work. If you've read any of my other posts, then you know that about four months ago he relapsed and spent a few days looking at things online that are completely prohibited at work. Since he works in a high security environment, everything he does is monitored. Of course this means that when he does wrong, he is immediately found out. It's taken the last four months for his superiors to investigate, convene, and hand down a ruling as to his punishment.

And here it is - *deep breath* - two weeks suspension without pay. I knew this was coming, but at the same time it was a little hard to swallow. The good that's come out of all of this is two-fold. My husband's recovery and testimony have become very important to him. He has three different sponsors/accountability partners who have helped him every step of the way through the last year, but especially through the last four months. The second good is that our relationship has been healing. I feel it every day. The wound no longer bleeds as excessively as it once did and it's amazing the depth our relationship has garnered since his relapse. And quite honestly, with the final punishment in place, I feel God has lifted much of the fatigue and weight from my shoulders.

Every day, every week, every month, every year is still a long journey - steps that we take slowly. The interesting thing about his workplace investigation into his actions, because of what he did and the fact that he was completely honest with the investigators and his superiors, is that they have now launched ten more investigative cases into ten other men's careers and lives at his workplace. The sad reality is that my husband's actions are not rare and are becoming more frequent in any given workplace environment. He just happened to get caught. But once the lie and the sin are brought into the bright shining light of day, it's very hard to hide them anymore. And I'm glad he can't hide them. And so is he.

Are there any repercussions your spouse or significant other has had to face for his/her actions?

Interview with a Recovered Alcoholic

By trade, I am a writer. I write fiction, to be more precise. Because of this, I'm a constant researcher, always looking for ways to understand what's going on in the world and why. When I had the idea to interview John*, my husband's step-study leader, I had two purposes. One was to get firsthand feedback from an alcoholic in order to better flesh out a character idea. The second was because I want to understand addicts. As the wife of a porn addict, I've never really understood what makes an addict tick, thus never understanding what drove my husband to do the things he did. To me, ignorance is not bliss, but rather getting to the bottom of an addict's addiction helps me see that our experiences are not isolated incidences. Most, if not all, addicts share similar roots. Here are just a few that John revealed to me during out interview.

• Addicts remember their first experience -- With John, it was when he was thirteen-years-old and went to a party at his friend's brother's house. He downed two Budweiser tall boys and got thoroughly wasted. In that experience, there was no moment of regret, no wishing he hadn't drank a beer. Nor did he seek out alcohol. But when the opportunity arose, every time, he took advantage of it. My husband remembers his first experience like it was yesterday. His father gave him "the sex talk" and a dirty magazine to go along with it.
• Moment of clarity -- When an addict is committed to recovery, he/she will experience what some refer to as the moment of clarity. It's when they finally see that the pain is outweighing the pleasure. It's hitting rock bottom. It's finally seeing all the damage an addict has left in his/her wake. For John, that moment of clarity came through after his second DWI. He was three times over the legal limit and sent to rehab, where he finally had to detoxify his system. My husband's moment of clarity came when he attended a men's conference at a local church. He'd been in recovery for a couple of months, but when the pastor leading his small group pointed out the issues facing men today, he saw not only that he wasn't the only one, but that the change in his life had to be real and with Christ's help.
• The Fog -- When addicts are in the depths of their addictions this is when they are immersed in The Fog. An addict can't see that the addiction is real. They create a false sense of reality and in this false sense of reality the lying takes center stage. They learn to cover up the addiction and hide it as much as possible. If someone in the addict's life says he/she is an addict and they need to go to recovery, then unless that addict is really wanting it (i.e. meaning the fog has lifted and clarity comes through) the rehab or recovery will never pan out. The addict has to want recovery for himself.
• Every addict has an addiction that they prefer -- John said he'd done more than drink (at the peak of his addiction he would put away fifteen or more full-sized hard liquor drinks a day, then tie a few extra on at night). He had his days with cocaine and meth, but he said if you lined up all the abusive substances he'd ever consumed, he would choose the glass of liquor every time. Same goes for my husband.
• Relapse gets more painful with each one -- Relapses happen, but according to John, the further down the road an addict is toward recovery the worse each relapse gets. After seven years of never touching a drink, John slowly lost his grasp on recovery. He thought he didn't need the groups or meetings and that he could do this thing on his own. That's when he took a drink. And as he described it, it was wonderful. It was the high he missed more than anything, but it eventually sent his house of cards tumbling to the ground. The Fog descended once more. When his wife found his bottle of liquor hidden in one of his suitcases, he was kicked out. It hurt him to hurt her, but he knew that he was the one who had to get his life back on the right track.
• Recovery groups work and are imperative in the recipe for recovery -- Pain has to exceed pleasure, John says. The steps (step studies) in recovery coupled with his relationship with God is what has kept him eight years sober. He says that step studies are an absolute need for any addict wanting to shed his/her addiction. But once in a recovery group, always in a recovery group. John knows that he could never leave. He can't go at this thing alone, no addict can, but now that he's found a place in his life where God is in control, he's going to stay there.
• Never want to repeat the past -- Although John calls himself a grateful alcoholic (meaning what's happened in his life had a purpose -- for the past eight years he and his wife, who is also a recovered alcoholic, have run one of the largest recovery groups in my city of residence) he would never want to repeat his past. There's just to much pain in all of that.

I don't know what kind of addiction your spouse might be recovering from, but what do you think about John's insight? Does it help you better understand the addict in your life?

*Names have been changed in order to protect the identity of the individuals.

Don't Send Me Flowers

If you messed up said the sign on a local flower shop. Underneath those words was a small pot of flowers.

If you messed up a lot said the sign next to it. Underneath was a lovely arrangement of roses, tulips, baby's breath, etc.

"Man, but if that isn't a crock," my husband said one night when he got home from work after seeing those signs in the window. "I know to never, never give you flowers when I've messed up."

What he's referring to happened almost a year ago in January. I discovered what he'd been looking at, and just like every other time, I felt like somebody had hit me with a two-by-four. I didn't talk to him for days. I harbored so much anger (because I'm one of those who lets it build and build inside me until I'm about to emotionally burst) toward him and wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. Of course, like most men seem to believe, flowers should heal my aching heart.

Very big mistake.

When those flowers arrived, I wasn't at home. I never called the florist back and they ended up delivering the arrangement to my neighbor's house. (Who, of course, had a barrage of annoying questions about why he'd sent them to me. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's nosy neighbors!)

The card was signed with profuse words begging my forgiveness. I scratched out what he'd written and wrote my own message -- "These aren't for me. They're to help make you feel better!"

When he came home and saw what I'd written, I knew I'd hit him where it hurts. He took that vase of flowers and made his way to the front door.

"What do you think you're doing with those?" I asked.

"What does it matter. They're mine." He went outside and the next thing I heard was glass shattering against the driveway. He'd taken that vase of flowers and had thrown them against the pavement. What followed was the most heart wrenching argument I've ever had with him. I bawled like I never had in the past.

But what followed the next day was the first real steps toward healing (because we'd been through this before). For both of us. Is he fully "cured"? No, he never will be. He's what addicts call a "lifer." He will forever be in recovery, forever be learning to fill the bad with good, forever taking one day at a time. And for now, I've made the decision to stay with him. I made that decision, not him, even though he gave me the option to leave him.

But he knows to never send me flowers for his screw-ups ever again.

Is there one thing your spouse has done in the past that only tells you he/she is feeling guilty for his/her wrongs and not really doing it for you?

What's Your Love Language?

I've been reading a book that I've read in the past, but have decided to revisit. It's entitled The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. In the book, Chapman describes how we all have a love tank, but each one of us has to have that tank filled in one of five ways and not all of us share the same love language.

These are the five love languages:

• Quality Time
• Words of Affirmation
• Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

I received this book about nine years ago as a gift and read it when my husband and I first got married. We learned that his primary love language is Words of Affirmation and that his secondary is Physical Touch (this does not necessarily mean sex). My primary love language is Quality Time and my secondary is Physical Touch. In order for our love tanks to be filled, we have to learn to speak each other's love languages.

Since this year has been a particularly rough year in our marriage, I decided to read the book again. And I'm glad I am. I needed a refresher course not only in my husband's love language, but in mine, as well. I think sometimes I don't know how to reach out to my husband and communicate what's bothering me, but a lot of that stems from my love tank being on empty. Sometimes I'm just functioning on fumes. And I know the same goes for him. Learning to communicate in our love languages helps us to understand when the other is feeling particularly low about what's going on in his or my life.

Do you know your love language? Do you know your spouse's, and if so, are you speaking it and filling up his/her love tank?